


Conscious

by delusionaldowntowndivas



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Hospitals, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Relationship Negotiation, Serious Injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-18 14:47:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3573623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delusionaldowntowndivas/pseuds/delusionaldowntowndivas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically I need Tomlinshaw to be real, and I suck at summaries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conscious

**Author's Note:**

> My first ever attempt at fic.  
> Not medically accurate!

“...But now it’s 7.30 and it’s time for the news with Newsbeat and Tina Daheley.”

“The family of One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson have denied he has been taken off his life support machine after the hashtag ‘rest in peace Louis’ trended for three hours yesterday.

The Tomlinson family released a statement saying that ‘Louis is currently in an assisted coma in hospital where he is receiving treatment for seizures, his condition remains serious but stable, and the doctors remain hopeful that he will make a full recovery in time’.

The singer was taken to hospital last month after he was found unconscious at his North London home, and a spokesman for One Direction confirmed that the band will continue to be hiatus for the rest of this year.”

Nick’s already read the article about it on the Mail Online and seen it in The Sun, but hearing Tina mention it reminds him that he needs to text Harry to see how Louis is. After quickly tapping out a text asking how Louis was doing and when Harry is heading back to LA, he chats his way through the next link – describing how Pig had left him smelly presents on his new rug this morning then acted all innocent – then nips to the loo.

Nick knows that Harry had tried delaying this trip until Louis had woken up; but he could only rearrange his meetings so many times, and now he’d finally made plans to go to LA for a month to meet up with various songwriters – which Nick likes to imagine as them all sitting around admiring Harry’s collection of hats and bursting into song like the Von Trapp family.

Nick knows Harry is anxious about getting updates about Louis from others rather than seeing for himself, though. It certainly didn’t help with fans and the media making up rumours every five minutes. Nick couldn’t imagine what Louis’s family must have been through since Louis’s collapse – it had been four weeks now, and he had been sedated for most of it whilst the doctors performed tests on his brain to figure out what had caused the collapse.

Harry rings him just as he’s washing his hands.

“Hi popstar, how are you? Still in England or gone yet?” Nick asks.

“Hi Grim, have you got five minutes?”

“Yeah of course, what’s going on? Everything okay? I heard the rumours about Louis were getting pretty bad,” Nick replies whilst attempting to wash his hands and not drop his phone in the sink. It’s a complicated maneuver but he likes to think he manages it with an effortless grace.

“That’s what I wanted to ask you about actually,” Harry replies “ I know you’re busy and I know it’s a lot to ask, but my mum is coming up to London next week to see Louis – just to give Louis’s mum a few days off – and I wondered if you would go with her? Just to keep her company, I don’t like thinking of her being upset in the hospital on her own.”

Nick is jogging down the corridor back towards the studio now, he can hear that Matt has started playing Jessie J in his absence and Nick knows he’s not going to  be impressed. “Sure Haz, just get Anne to text me,” he tells Harry “I’ve got to go, Finchy is gonna kill me. Have a safe flight, I’ll talk to you later!”

Finchy mimes slitting his throat at Nick through the glass.

“Thanks Grim, love you, have a good show, I’ll text you when I land”.

Nick is pretty sure he can hear Harry’s grin down the phone. Bloody Harry Styles, always getting him into trouble and making him do things, he thinks, as he’s begging Finchy for forgiveness.

*

Nick has been with Harry to visit Louis at the hospital before; Harry preferred to go with his friends rather than take security. Nick hadn’t wanted to go though - he had only been persuaded after Harry had come round to Nick’s to sob about Louis, snot on his dog, eat all of his food and pass out on Nick’s bed after demanding to be cuddled. Jeff had flown over from LA to support Harry, and Nick knew Anne and Robin were currently staying in London. It was hard to say no to Harry Styles.

Nick considered himself a good friend. But he really didn’t like hospitals, and visiting the hospital with Harry had been exactly what Nick had expected - he had seen the photos in the newspapers of the hospital being swarmed by paps, and the candlelit vigils being held outside by fans.

Louis was currently in ‘an assisted sleep’ as Harry called it - otherwise known as sedated and intubated in hospital. As far as Nick knew, it was so they could run tests on Louis’s brain to understand why he had started having seizures four weeks ago. He has been completely lifeless, unaware as Harry had cried, wiped his nose on his sleeve and snuffled into Nick’s neck. All the nurses had hugged Harry when they left, and Harry had known most of them by name. Nick could tell most of them were in love with him (there were a lot of attempts at lingering glances).

Nick had been so focused on supporting Harry he hadn’t really thought about how Louis would look or how Nick would feel seeing him look so small in the bed, with all the tubes and wires around him keeping him alive. He had focused very hard on pretended Louis was sleeping and reassured himself that everyone said Louis was going to get better and that he wasn’t going to die.

It hadn’t been a pleasant experience and Nick wasn’t looking forward to going back.

*

The following Monday Nick accompanied Anne to see Louis. Nick always jokes that Anne is his favourite member of the Styles family, but it really is lovely and comforting to see her. She reminds Nick of his mum and he promises himself he’ll go up North soon, when he can find a few days off in the craziness.

Just before he goes into the Intensive Care Unit he receives a text from Harry:

_‘Dont forget to tell Louis ive been lighting a candle for him every day’_

Nicks not sure he’ll be able to read it to Louis with a straight face. He’s also not sure how much Louis would appreciate it if he was awake.

*

Harry and Nick facetime a few days later. It’s always strange for Nick to see Harry sitting outside in the sun, apparently naked, when Nick can hear it raining outside and Nick’s all tucked up in bed, two blankets, heating on, with Pig curled up by his feet.  

“How was visiting Louis with my mum?” Harry’s face looks drawn and tired.

“It was fine Haz, he looked okay, the same as before I think.”

In all honesty, Nick had hung back in the hospital room, let Anne touch Louis’s hand and then hugged her when she had a little cry about how young and how sick Louis was. He hadn’t liked intruding on Louis sleeping, thought that Tomlinson wouldn’t have liked it if anyone he wasn’t mates with saw him so vulnerable and unaware.

“Are you gonna go again?” Harry asks.

The question surprises Nick. He honestly hadn’t thought about it. Alright, sure, he makes sure to get regular updates about how Louis is doing from Harry but that’s just because he knows Harry needs to talk about it. Plus, Nick’s a good friend. He cares about the things his friends care about. Harry cares about Louis. Therefore Nick cares about Louis. Kind of.

“Not unless someone asks me too, I think Louis has more than enough family and friends to visit him,” Nick might be whining, he can see where this is going to end. “Besides I thought he had a permanent, long term, forever type of girlfriend?”

“Yeah, but his Mum has all the kids and it’s so hard with her husband working in Doncaster; they’re all trying to commute and I’m worried about them being tired,” Harry starts pulling his hair back from his face and twisting it into a bun. He’s frowning. The bags under his eyes look huge,making him look more frog-like than normal. “Are you talking about Eleanor? ‘Cause she’s been an ex girlfriend for a while now. They’re good friends though.”

Harry sighs and looks forlornly down. Nick can tell he’s building himself up to a monologue so he rearranges his pillow so he’s more comfortable. “I knew coming out here would be a bad idea! What if Louis wakes up and has no one he knows with him? What if he doesn’t wake up because no one is visiting him?” Harry is sniffing now and his eyes are watering. Nick’s starting to feel pretty guilty. “Please just go with my Mum a few more times Nick, please”.  

“Alright Haz, no need for dramatics, I’ll go!”

“Thank you so much Grim, honestly this means so much! I’m sure Lou would be so grateful, I’ll tell him as soon as he wakes up. He’ll be so happy! And I’ll tell my mum and Louis’s mum and the boys....”

Nick isn’t sure why he feels so warm at the thought of Louis being happy Nick is visiting him, but thankfully Pig chooses that minute to take great offense to Nick’s new Burberry scarf, causing Nick to interrupt Harry’s gushing and attempt to save a thousand pound scarf from an insane dog. Luckily Louis isn’t mentioned again.

*

Nick agrees to visit Louis again the following week with Anne. They’d made plans for Thursday, after Nick had done the radio, and he was supposed to pick Anne up from Harry’s house at half two. By the time he leaves the studio, however, he is already running late. As he checked his phone he saw he had two missed calls from Anne and a voicemail.

_‘Hi sweetheart! I’m so sorry, but Robins gone home from work because he’s been feeling so sick, I’ve had to drive back home last minute. I’m so sorry this is such late notice, but I’ve got to go and check on him, bless him. I’ll be back in London next week though, I’m sure I’ll see you then. All my love darling.’_

There’s another message left a few minutes later.  

_“Hi sweetheart. I just spoke to Jay, and she’s so worried no one will visit Louis today, do you mind just popping in if you can? Just to give Louis everyone’s love? Just let me know if you can’t, I’m sure we can sort something out.”_

“For fucks sake,” Nick mutters under his breath. This is the last thing he needs today. But, just like her son, Anne is very hard to say no to.

*

Nick feels awkward visiting the hospital on his own. He half runs into the visitor’s entrance, attempting not to make eye contact with any fans or photographers. He tries to tell himself that he could be visiting any of the patients in this hospital, and its no-one else’s business if he visits Louis anyway. How dare they judge him? He is an exceptional member of the community, agreeing to visit sick people even though there are a million things he would rather be doing.

He throws the nurses at the nursing station an awkward wave as he enters the Intensive Care Unit, heading straight for Louis’s bed in the corner. He takes his seat on the hard hospital seat next to Louis’s bed where Anne had sat last time. Then again - Anne had also held Louis’s hand and kissed his face and Harry had practically climbed onto the bed with Louis.  Nick doesn’t intend to do that, he decides to go with a manly pat to Louis’s arm in greeting instead. That feels safe. Maybe he’ll pat his shoulder when he leaves, he thinks Louis might allow that if he was awake. Although, probably not.

Louis looks pale and clammy. The hair on his forehead is damp with sweat and there’s a tube going into Louis’s mouth held by straps across his face. His eyes are closed. His face looks normal though. Good cheekbones, long eyelashes. He looks calm - rather than the half manic look Nick has seen Louis wear at award shows, and the dumb face he pulls in fan photos Nick’s seen on tumblr. There’s a hospital gown draped across Louis’s front, pulled low so his collar bones are exposed. There are lots of tubes going into Louis’s neck, which Nick doesn’t look to closely at in case he faints.

At the top of Louis’s chest there are words of a tattoo peeking out. Nick wonders about the story behind him getting it, maybe he’ll ask Harry to tell it to him later. Or he could Google it, probably. The bottom part of Louis’s body is covered; but Nick knows Louis broke one of his legs when he collapsed, and the covers are tented where they’re covering his cast. His slim arms are pulled above the blanket and in one hand someone’s placed a small blue fluffy dog. Nick wonders if one of Louis’s million sisters brought it for him, or maybe it was a toy Louis had when he was a baby?

Nick feels like a fraud, then, attempting to guess the things that are important to Louis when he’s so unwell. He’s visiting Louis when he’s really sick, even though he doesn’t really know anything about him - has barely even spoken to him apart from a few interviews.

And Louis looks so, so young. Could he be sleeping? Nick doesn’t think so, but isn’t that what people say about coma patients? It doesn’t look like he is asleep. Nick knows the doctors had tried to wake him up last week, but Louis had had another seizure and had to be sedated again. It looks like he might be dead, apart from his chest visibly rising and the regular beeps from the ventilator. Nick knows he might be dead without the tube. Nick can’t imagine what it would feel like to almost die, to have a tube down your throat keeping you alive, pushing oxygen in.

Nick suddenly can’t remember the last time he breathed himself. He has to look away from Louis, tries to take a deep breath. Oh god, now he can’t breathe. His mouth isn’t working. His heart isn’t pumping. What if he dies here? Just sitting next to Louis Tomlinson in a building full of medical professionals. He tries to gasp, to make some noise. Nothing comes out. His heart is beating too fast. Or is it beating at all? His chest hurts. He can’t see. He’s going to die and no one is even going to notice.

Obviously this is when the nurses finally notice him. Nick vaguely registers someone putting an oxygen mask over his face and telling him to breathe in and out. Someone is counting and Nick tries to match his breaths with the numbers. It takes a while to work. He looks up into the nurse’s face. It’s comforting - it grounds him back to reality. He’s still sitting on the plastic chair next to Louis’s bed. His heart might be beating fast but it’s still working. He’s still alive.

He’s just absolutely mortified. Everyone is staring.

Nick coughs, pulling the mask off his face, standing up from the chair. His chest hurts. “I’m so sorry, I don’t even know what happened! I’m so embarrassed.”

The look of pity from the nurse is making Nick feel sick. “Of course, Mr Grimshaw, that’s alright; your friend is sick, it must be scary!”

Nick hadn’t told her his name. She obviously recognises him. God, that’s embarrassing. She probably knows he’s not really friends with Louis. He bets she wonders why he’s even visiting Louis.  

The nurse starts speaking and Nick is already trying to figure out how he can leave as quickly as possible.

“One of our doctors will come and see you; do you think you need to go to A&E? Let me just check your blood pressure.”  

The nurse starts pushing the sleeve of his jumper up and Nick steps away from her.

“No no, honestly I’m fine, just forgot to breathe for a second. I’m going to get some fresh air – clear my head, you know.”

He quickly grabs his coat and bag and attempts to walk as fast out of the ward as possible without running. People are still staring. Wouldn’t it just be perfect if this ends  up on twitter?

Its only when he’s taking huge gasps of air outside the hospital that he realises he’s forgotten to say goodbye to Louis. Damn, he thinks, does that mean he’ll have to come again?

*

During the next three weeks Nick visits Louis seven times.  

*

It starts as a favour to Harry. The first visit Nick had felt so awkward, sitting in silence by Louis’s bedside and messing around on his phone. But slowly Nick starts to feel comfortable. It would be fair to say Nick’s always been a little fascinated by One Direction and during his visits he feels like he’s learning their secrets.

The second time he visits Louis, going back because he’d forgotten to say goodbye the last time, Nick  notices the photos of the band that had been lovingly organised around Louis bed. They seem to have chronologically charted One Directions rise to fame.  Nick is curious and texts Harry asking who’s put them up, Harry replies saying it was probably Niall, and asking Nick’s opinion on a pair of Saint Laurent boots he was thinking of buying.  

On the third visit Nick tells Louis the story about him working at his student radio station at university. Three years of amazing experiences told to Louis in an hour and a half. Nick has to buy a bottle of water in the gift shop when leaving the hospital because his throat is so dry.

Nick receives a call from Liam on the following Sunday evening.

Liam visits Louis every Monday and he also phones Jay every day after the doctors have been round to see Louis. Nick knows this because after Nick had visited the first time with Harry, Nick had been present for a slightly awkward phone call between Liam and Harry which seemed to be Liam demanding reassurance that Louis looked better than the day before.

The problem was that Harry hadn’t managed to see Louis the day before, so he wasn’t sure if Louis did look better or not. The phone was then passed to Nick so Liam could get his opinion. The conversation had ended with Nick promising to look more closely at the colour of Louis cheeks next time he visited and be sure to check how warm Louis’s fingers and toes were, all things that suggest good blood flow according to Liam’s Google searches.

This time, however, he’s calling because he needs Nick to visit Louis on Monday instead of Tuesday. Liam had planned to go on Monday like usual, but he was suffering a slight headache that he was scared might turn into a cold - which could turn into a chest infection, which he was terrified he could pass to Louis, which could _kill_ him - therefore he wants Nick to switch days.

Nick agrees and goes and tells Louis about meeting Annie Mac and knowing she was going to make his dreams come true.

On Nicks fifth visit he tells Louis about his family and how it felt growing up in Oldham, moving to study in Liverpool and then moving to work in London.

On his sixth visit he talks about becoming an uncle to Liv, and his relationship with his godchildren. He even promises to show Louis some photos of Arlo when he wakes up and suggests that he could just follow Nick on instagram if he wanted to keep up with his life.

The day of Nick’s seventh visit he isn’t having a good day. It happens occasionally. Finchy has pissed him off at work, he’s tired, and instead of having a quiet weekend at home with Pig and some bottles of wine, he’s got an event Friday night and a party Sunday. Plus he’s stressed about the RAJAR numbers which should be released next week. Basically, Nick is a massive ball of stress, and when he sits on the cold hard chair next to Louis he lets it all out. Not crying, Nick isn’t much of a crier, but he talks. He moans about everything. It feels like therapy and Nick leaves feeling comforted and calm.

Nick thinks Louis might be looking a bit better too.

*

Nick doesn’t realise how much he enjoys visiting Louis, until four weeks after his first visit with Anne. The problem comes when Gillian texts him about drinks on Saturday – he can’t go because he’s planned to see Louis. As Nick’s oldest friend Gellz’s seen the balance of Grimmy at work versus at home with his family and friends and has loved and supported him through all of it, but she doesn’t understand why he’s putting Louis Tomlinson before his best friends. In all honesty, Nick doesn’t understand either.

He arranges to go to lunch with her on Thursday instead, and she leans forward over their burgers with a worried expression.

“Explain it to me again, Grim, about why you’re visiting the hospital. You weren’t friends with Louis, were you? Is this about Harry? Are you doing it for Harry?”

She seems genuinely concerned, and Nick’s chest hurts when he thinks about his friend worrying about him.

The thing is, Nick knows what the answer to these questions should be. They should be easy to answer. And he knows what Gillian expects to hear.

But even as he huffs out his “obviously” in reply he realises it might not be strictly true.

Thankfully he manages to distract Gellz by asking about her new article and begging her to come and play ‘Call or Delete’ – she’s still refusing but Nick’s sure his northern charm and endless legs will win her over one day.

*

Later, as he’s tidying his flat, Nick can’t stop thinking about _why_ he’s visiting Louis. Obviously he goes because Harry asked him to, but also it’s nice to see Louis safe and sleeping in his bed. It’s comforting. Nick likes to tell him about his day. In fact – Nick’s always joked about radio being like therapy, but this feels like therapy even more; a pretty boy asleep in a bed who Nick _has_ to visit because he’s promised Harry. Louis listens to Nick’s stories and Nick likes to think he enjoys them.

Nick’s not so far in denial that he won’t admit he’s always been a little curious about Louis Tomlinson. Nick always used to justify it with the fact that they had gotten along so well when they first met. They had the same sense of humour and both liked to tease Harry, but then the joking escalated to twitter fights and Nick didn’t find it fun anymore. Harry always sung Louis’s praises even when their friendship was under such scrutiny by the media, and Nick was sure Louis had no real reason to dislike him.  And now Nick gets to appreciate Louis’s face, close up, a couple of times a week.  He can admit maybe there is a harmless crush growing. He is a grown up and he can handle it.

*

 

And then Louis wakes up.

Nick is on his way to the hospital when Harry rings him from LA. Nick puts him on handsfree and answers the call.

All Nick can hear is sobbing. He feels sick. Why would Harry ring him crying? Nick can only think of Louis, but he’d seen him two days ago and Liam had text him to say he the doctors were pleased with his progress. It couldn’t be anything to do with Louis.

“Harry? Harry what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

Nick pulls over, leans his head on the steering wheel and tries to breathe.

“Grim! He’s awake. He’s awake and talking and he’s seen his mum and the girls and they said he’s doing so well. It’s so good Grim, they’re saying it’s a really good sign.”

Nick still can’t breathe. Louis can’t have woken up, Nick’s on his way to visit him. He’s ten minutes away from the hospital. He was going to tell Louis about 31st birthday party last month, he’d even flicked through the photos on his phone during a James Bay song at work this morning, refreshing his memory to make sure he told Louis all the funny stories and accurately described everyone’s outfits.

“Harry. That’s. God. That’s so good Harry.”

Nick feels like he’s going to cry. How can Louis be awake? He may have accidently asked that out loud.

“Didn’t they tell you they were waking him up today?” Harry asks, his voice sounding concerned and rough from crying.

“No, no-one’s mentioned it to me, no-one said anything about it,” Nick says and tries to pull himself together. “So he didn’t have any seizures when he woke up?”

“No, they said they think they’ve got his medication correct now. Obviously Jay needs to keep an eye on him when he goes home, and he’ll be in hospital for a bit. There gonna keep doing tests to find out the cause. But it’s so good Grim. Things can finally start getting back to normal.”

Nick can hear Harry chatting to someone else, before he quickly returns to the line and to Nick.

“Grim, I’ve got to go, I need to ring Ben and then I’m gonna come home as soon as I can. I’ll see you soon, love you, give my love to Louis!”

Harry hangs up.

Nick doesn’t know what to do. Harry can’t think that Nick would still visit Louis now? Even though he thinks of Louis as his friend now, he’s not completely delusional and he’s well aware it’s one sided.

He does a semi-aggressive u-turn in the road and drives back home. He’ll take Pig for an extra walk today. He’s sure she’ll appreciate his company and intelligent conversation.

*

Henry texts him later that week whilst Nick is wallowing on the sofa and eating his second packet of crisps. He’s found that filling the time he used to spend visiting Louis with eating is working well.

_‘Everyone saying you’re having a midlife crisis?’_

Even though Nick knows he’s joking it still stings. Must Henry remind him that he’s middle aged and pathetic?

Another text comes through as Nick is attempting to write a reply which would show Henry he is still the model pulling man-eater he used to be.

_‘Becoming a hermit? Crying at Louis Tomlinson’s bedside?’_

Nick thinks that’s unjustified. Apart from the panic attack when he’d first visited Louis he had held it together very well, thank you very much. But also – Nick hasn’t seen Louis in four days. Normally by now he would have texted Niall and Liam to see how Louis was this week, but now Louis is awake and could potentially find out about Nick innocently enquiring about his health Nick doesn’t think it’s a good idea. He’s been avoiding Harry’s calls and distracting him from talking about Louis in texts. He’s trying to go cold turkey and it’s hard. Nick can count twenty three stories from the last four days that he thinks Louis should hear. The problem is – it was nice to be needed. Nice to get to see Louis’s face every few days. It had made the rest of Nick’s life - getting up early, working hard, being constantly tired - feel so much easier because he could moan to Louis about it.

Nick quickly replies to Henry. _‘Na, just don’t wanna see your ugly mug’._ And throws his phone on the floor.

He wants to wallow alone.

*

Five days later Nick is in Marks & Spencer’s after a show attempting to make healthy food choices when his phone rings. The number that flashes up on the screen is unknown. Nick answers it tentatively.

“So what’s going on, you’re not interested in me when I can talk back?”

It’s Louis Tomlinson.  

Nick’s food shopping, his trolley is full, he’s deliberating the fat content in coleslaw and Louis Tomlinson is calling him.

How did this become his life? Nick realises he may have been questioning his life choices a little too long, and attempts to stutter out a reply. He can do this. He can talk aloud. He’s sure he managed it on the radio this morning.

“Uh, how did you get this number?” Nick asks.

“Is there any reason my mum told me you were visiting me every couple of days, and yet you haven’t visited me once since I woke up? You like looking at my face but don’t actually care that I’m alive?”

The thing is – Nick and Louis were never technically friends so Nick doesn’t feel too guilty, and over the past couple of weeks Nick has seen evidence of what seemed like hundreds of Louis’s family and friends so why would Louis want him there?

“Why do you want me to visit you Louis?” Nick asks.

“I dont want you to visit me! Why were you visiting me anyway?”

“Harry asked me too! I didnt want to!”  

“The thing is, look. I don’t care if you do visit or not. And I do have loads of visitors. I just think its bloody weird you would visit me at all, let alone so much. That’s weird.” Louis seems to be struggling with what to say next. After a few seconds, his voice goes quieter. He sounds softer to Nick. “But even though it’s odd, like, I think it made my mum feel better. Cause she was busy with my sisters and the babies. So yeah, thanks.”

Nicks starting to find it hard to breathe again. He really needs to go to the doctor and see if it’s his asthma flaring up again.

“Anyway I’m feeling much better, thanks for asking. Doctors are well happy with me. Everything’s great again. Yeah, thanks for asking, mate!”

Nick attempts to regain control of himself. It’s a conversation. He’s required to talk. He can do this.

“Sorry. Um. How is everything?”

Nick definitely doesn’t sound normal, but he is speaking so he is considering it a win.

Louis laughs.

“I’m bored shitless, honestly, nothing to do here. My PS3 doesnt even work. They just want me to sleep and I’m bored all the time, I’m driving myself crazy.”

“Oh.”

“Seriously don’t know why they woke me up. They won’t let me do anything.”

“Oh.”

“Can’t even write anything ‘cause trying to concentrate gives me a fucking headache. Everything gives me a fucking headache.”

Considering this is Nick’s first one on one conversation with Louis it’s not exactly how he expected it to go. Nick had imagined it would be Louis laughing at his jokes whilst letting Nick stroke his hair. Or Nick laughing at Louis’s jokes whilst Louis stroked Nick’s hair. Whichever Louis preferred.

Nick can hear Louis moving around on the other end of the line, sighing and muttering under his breath. Nick might not be at his most sane at this precise moment, hut he thinks he can see what Louis is hinting at. He takes a deep breath before asking,

“Do you want me to come visit you, Louis?”

Louis doesn’t reply. Oh God, Nick starts to panic – what if he has read this completely wrong?

“I mean, only if you want to. I’m not asking for you to.” Louis sounds quieter on the line. Nick has a feeling he isn’t used to thanking people and asking for things.

Nick deliberates for a moment – it might be really awkward with Louis and Nick is worried they wouldn’t have anything to talk about. He doesn’t know what to say if Louis asks him why he’s been visiting him again. Nick was always a bad liar, his face is too expressive and his voice goes all high pitched and whiney. But he does really want to see Louis, just to check he’s alright, to make sure the nurses are looking after him, and that he really is awake.

“Right. Well. I could come tomorrow? After the radio?”

“Well. Only if you want to. Don’t come if you don’t want to come or whatever. And I might just sleep cause I’m so fucking tired all the time. But you can come if you want.”

Nick rolls his eyes.

“Hmmm yeah okay. I’ll see you tomorrow Louis.”

Louis hangs up without saying goodbye.

Nick puts his phone on the table and vows to start making better life choices. He’ll start tomorrow, after he’s seen Louis.

*

Louis has texted him the name of the hospital ward he’s been moved to, and it’s reassuring that he’s been moved out of ITU. But Nick had gotten used to visiting him in ITU and this new ward looks new and unfamiliar. Nick has to ask at the reception where he can find ‘Nathan Rodgers’ because Louis has a new fake name. And once he’s found Louis’s room he has to take a few deep breaths before managing to walk in. Louis is asleep on the bed, and the scene is so familiar to what Nick has been seeing for the past four weeks that Nick had forgotten how comforting it is. But now Louis isn’t connected to any wires, there are no lines giving his body much needed medications or fluid. Instead there’s finally some colour in his face, his hair looks soft and clean and if Nick ignores the cast on Louis’s leg and the fact that he can see Louis’s hair has been shaved on one side, then he could forget that Louis has spent the last six weeks in a coma.

Nick realises he may have hesitated too long when Louis starts to wake up and notices Nick standing by the door.

“Uh hi. That’s not creepy at all. Were you staring at me asleep?”

Louis sounds soft and sleepy, completely different to his harsh tone on the phone to Nick yesterday.  He almost sounds affectionate. Nick quickly shakes off that train of thought as he edges into the room.

Louis’s eyes are completely focused on him as he perches on the chair in the corner of the room; it’s soft and cushioned, the complete opposite to the hard plastic chair that Nick was used to in ITU.

He doesn’t take his jacket off in case he has to make a quick escape.

“NO, no no, not at all I literally had just come in.”

There’s no reason to bring up the fact that Nick has spent at least four hours a week for the past four weeks staring at Louis sleep and imagining touching his face.

Louis doesn’t seem so keen to forget about it though.  “Bring back memories from the past month?”

Nick awkwardly laughs. “Ha yeah something like that.”

But rather than chucking Nick bodily from the room as Nick is expecting, there’s a soft smile on Louis’s face that Nick doesn’t recognise. It’s quite unnerving.

“So.... how are you feeling?”

“Tired but okay. I just want to go home now”

“Did the doctors say when you can go home?”

“Depends on test results and if I have any more seizures.”

Nick wonders if he’s allowed to ask Louis what the hell happened, what caused him to have a seizure when he was at home alone, when as far as Nick knows Louis was always fit and healthy. The papers have been saying Louis always secretly suffered from seizures but Nick doesn’t think that’s true.

Nick decides to go for a safer topic of conversation. “This is a nice room,” the room is tiny, a bed with a sink in the corner, “good having a sink you can use.”

Louis raises his eyebrows as though he’s surprised Nick wants to talk about his hospital room, but honestly Nick wants to talk about anything that won’t cause an argument. Plus he doesn’t actually have control of his mouth or his brain at this precise moment.

“Yeah, nicer for my family when they visit I guess.”

Nick is just preparing to make his excuses and leave when Louis asks a question that Nick is genuinely shocked by.

“You want to stay and watch the game?” Louis asks, he looks embarrassed and his cheeks are a bit pink. But maybe Nick is imagining it.

“Uh, sure, why not?” As soon as he says it, Nick  wants to kick himself. There are a million reasons why not, mainly his dinner plans with Aimee and Ian,but Louis has already switched the telly on. And Nick’s body seems to be out of his control, moving to the chair next to Louis’s bed so he can see the screen better. Nick quickly takes his jacket off and discreetly texts Aimee and Ian letting them know about the awful sickness bug Pig has suddenly got which means he needs to stay home tonight.  Nick chances a glance at Louis and Louis looks at Nick and smiles.

Fuck, Nick thinks he might be in trouble.

*

Doing the radio the next morning Nick feels like he has a lifetime dilemma that he needs help with. He just can’t decide if it’s acceptable to text Louis today, but also he just can’t stop thinking about Louis, so soft and sleepy in bed, smiling at Nick last night.

He’d fallen asleep during the match and Nick had sneaked out, but now Nick is desperate to talk to him. Last night had made it seem like Louis wanted to be friends with him, and if friendship is being offered then Nick definitely wants to take him up on it. And friends text each other. Especially if one of those friends is recovering from being very sick.

Nick finally sends Louis a tentative ‘ _How are you feeling today?_ ’ after showquizness then immediately throws his phone in his bag to make sure he doesn’t check it every five minutes. Finchy raises his eyebrows at Nick, but the whole team already think Nick’s insane so he’s really not worried.

Even though Nick tries to stop himself from checking his phone, he decides that checking it every hour is allowed, and when Louis hasn’t texted him back after two hours, he starts to worry.

Louis could have had another seizure, he could be sick, he could be sedated again, or what if Louis has fallen over in the shower? Nick hasn’t seen him use his crutches yet and he might not be safe, or he could be sad and bored and need Nick to cheer him up urgently. Nick contemplates texting Harry during his drive home, but Harry is still in LA, and if Louis really has deteriorated then Nick doesn’t want to worry Harry. Besides Harry has been gracing the pages of the newspaper with his newest model suspected girlfriend and Nick saw photos of them on twitter out for drinks last night, he really really doesn’t want to bother them.

Nick resists the urge to call Louis friends and family until 7pm that night. But just as he’s tapping out an attempt at casually asking Liam how Louis is, a text comes through from Louis.

_‘Bored shitless. But theres a match on tomorrow at 4. Wanna watch it?’_

Nick feels like he probably should have mentioned his complete disinterest in football to Louis, but a direct invitation to visit Louis is too good to pass up. So Nick attempts to be super casual as he texts back, he’s got a photoshoot tomorrow for Topman that he would never tell Louis about, but he can go and see Louis after. Maybe. If he cancels dinner and drinks with Emily.

*

When Nick comes to the hospital on Thursday Louis is out of bed and awkwardly leaning on his crutches whilst attempting to search through his cupboard. He wobbles on his crutches and Nick rushes forward into the room to help.

“Take it easy, what are you doing?” Nick holds Louis’s arm as he regains his balance.

Louis turns and looks up at him. He’s beaming. Nick feels a bit stunned and not sure he can move, but luckily Louis looks away and Nick manages to let go of Louis’s arm. He takes a second to praise his self control.

“I’m going home tomorrow, aren’t I? As long as my blood results are okay,” Louis says and drops a t-shirt into the bag by his crutches.

Normally Nick tries hard to hide his emotions around Louis, but he can’t hide the look of surprise that crosses his face. Louis only woke up last week; he can’t go home yet, he’s not well enough!

Nick takes a deep, calming breath. Or at least he attempts to.

“So you’re heading back to Donny then?” Nick asks.

Louis turns towards the cupboard again, pulls out a hoody and throws it into the bag.

“You gonna miss me?” Louis asks, his head half in the cupboard and thankfully missing Nick’s mouth dropping open. Nick doesn’t have time to reply before Louis continues. “Doesn’t matter anyway, I’m staying in London.”

Nick frowns. “Is your mum staying with you?”

Louis starts sorting out socks. “Nah, the boys will help me if I need them and Stan might stay for a bit.” Two pairs of socks get dropped into the bag and Nick’s mind feels all jumbled. Louis is still _sick_ , he needs to stay in hospital.

“Isn’t that a bit dumb? I thought your mum was supposed to keep an eye on you in case you had another seizure, I bet she could help you more in Donny.”

“Not you too,” Louis groans and avoids eye contact, still fussing with his socks. “I haven’t been my mum’s responsibility for years, I’m not gonna start now. Plus she’s busy enough with the babies, it’s not fair on her. I’m well enough to go home from the hospital, I can look after myself.”

“I could help.” Nick remembers a time, before Louis got sick, when he had control over his brain and mouth. It was an easier time, and Nick misses it.

Louis is staring at Nick. He looks surprised but like he’s trying to hide it.

“I’ll think about it.”

Nick nods and starts helping to fold Louis’s hoodys on the bed.

That seems to be the end of the conversation and Nick knows better than to argue.

*

The next day when Nick checks his twitter in the car on his way to the station he can see that Harry and the other boys have all retweeted Louis: _‘YESSSS!!! Home today!!!!!’_

For some reason it makes Nick feel sick.

*

He waits four days before ringing Harry. Four whole days with no contact from Louis. Nick hasn’t seen Louis for four entire days. He’s trying not to think about it too much though.

Instead he’s been to lunch with his breakfast team, to four meetings about potential TV projects, lunch with Henry, and dinner with Aimee and Ian. Then he ended up at brunch with Daisy, dinner with Sadie, and a spin class with Collette.

The problem is, all he ever wants to talk about is Louis. He finds himself thinking of funny things Louis has said that he wants to tell his friends about – but the few times he’s mentioned Louis to anyone it’s been met with raised eyebrows and Nick has quickly changed the subject.

Thankfully Nick knows he has one friend who also loves to talk about Louis.

Harry had arrived home a week ago, and although Nick hasn’t seen him yet he knows it’s only a matter of time before Harry turns up uninvited (but obviously welcome) on his doorstep, and doesn’t leave for two weeks.

He picks up on the seventeenth ring.

“Hi Grim, it’s been too long!”

Nick rolls his eyes – he and Harry had exchanged snapchats this very morning of their breakfasts (Harry had an egg white omelette, Nick a bacon roll from Starbucks, both of them had green smoothies).

“Harry, my love. How are you?”

Harry begins to tell Nick a story about the yoga he had done in his garden this morning, Nick half-listens whilst trying to work out how he can casually drop Louis into the conversation. When Nick next pays attention the story seems to have shifted to Harry describing a cool cat he’s just seen out of his window.

Thankfully, he then brings up Louis, before Nick has the chance to do so.

“So, have you spoken to Louis?” He asks.

“No, why? Have you?” Nick feels a bit better just from hearing Harry say Louis’s name.

“I saw him Monday at the hospital. I wanted to see him yesterday too but then Alice changed her flights so I spent the day with her, God, Nick you’ve got to meet her, she’s so funny, and she did this shoot in Thailand once? You should hear her talk about it...”

Nick vaguely recalls that Alice is the model Harry has been photographed with a few times, and even though he’s sure whatever she has to say about the shoot in Thailand is very interesting, he would much rather discuss how Louis had looked on Monday.

“That’s great, Harry.”

“Oh, she just texted me!” Harry starts laughing; obviously the text was hilarious enough to distract him from his best friend having gone missing from the hospital. “Come round for dinner Grim, just text me, whenever you’re free.”

Nick texts Louis as soon as Harry hangs up. A simple, casual:

_Hows being at home? Still bored?_

Nick thinks it’s not up to his usual hilarious standard, but he gives himself a break because his brain feels like constant mush at the moment due to tiredness and worrying about Louis. He’d interviewed Douglas Booth for the show yesterday and couldn’t remember anything they’d chatted about. Fiona has started bringing in salads for Nick because he keeps forgetting to eat, bless her.

Nick leaves it 24 hours before texting Louis again. He’s just finished a manic show, during which he’d drunk eight coffees and Big Boss Ben Cooper had come to check he was okay during the new Kodaline track. Finchy had reassured him the show wasn’t bad, just a bit more crazy than usual. Nick blamed it on the fact he had a lot to say this morning – and he was beginning to have to actively concentrate on not talking about Louis. Twitter would’ve had a breakdown if he’d shared the story about helping Louis hop to the toilet like he’d wanted.  

The next texts he sends is a very simple ‘ _Everything alright?_ ’ - hinting at Nick being worried about Louis but also easy to laugh off if Louis decides to take the piss for it.

Nick gets no reply until Friday evening. He’s just leaving Collette’s after helping her get ready for a hot date and he has plans for a takeaway in his underwear on the sofa with only Pig to judge him. Nick reads the text from Louis as he’s unlocking his car and making sure Pig is safe in the boot.

_‘Still bored. Wanna come round tonight for some food? If you do bring food.’_

Well, Nick thinks, as his Dad would say, that’s a turn up for the books.

*

The address Louis texts him is a house in Hampstead, North London. Nick had guessed that Louis lived in London, but considering how well documented the other boys’ property investments are, he’s surprised he didn’t know Louis lived about ten minutes from him.

As Nick presses the code to get through the gates and drives up in front of the house, he can’t help being impressed. The house is huge yet not visible from the road – it’s gorgeous and for some reason not what Nick expected at all. Even though they’re still in London it feels quiet. Considering the fact there is always a gaggle of teenage girls outside Harry’s London house pretending to be waiting for the bus, Nick can’t believe Louis has been able to keep this place hidden. Maybe this is how Louis manages to disappear when the boys are on tour, Nick thinks, by locking himself away in his big fancy house. Hiding.

Nick collects himself before ringing the bell – it’s just two mates hanging out, Nick can be normal. Pig sits obediently next to him on the step. Louis answers the door after a few minutes - he’s in trackies and a hoody and he might have just woken up. He’s clean shaven though and his hair looks clean and soft.

“Hi!” Louis awkwardly props himself on his crutches and attempts to sort out some locks on the back of his door. If Nick was held at gunpoint he would maybe admit that until this moment he had been worried Louis had gotten his number confused with someone else’s, that Nick would  turn up and Louis would laugh in his face.

“Wow, Louis, impressive digs.” Nick’s not sure why he’s talking like he’s in a 90’s chick flick, or why his mouth always says the most ridiculous things around Louis.

Thankfully when Nick says ridiculous things around Louis, Louis has started just giving him a look instead of actually responding. The look is the perfect mixture of condescending, pity and disdain to make Nick question his life choices but also crave Louis’s approval.  

“What food did you bring?” Louis stands aside to let Nick in and attempts to trip Nick with his crutches at the same time. Pig scurries in after him and Louis clicks at her.

“Um, pizza?”

Louis hops down the corridor; Nick attempts to follow him, but gets distracted by the photos covering Louis’s walls. Nick’s never seen any of these photos before – photos of Louis with his mum, and his siblings and his friends.

“Nick? Thought you didn’t like pizza?” Nick hurries after Louis and comes into the living room; its nearly pitch black, except for two lamps in the corner of the room and four huge sofas all facing a huge screen which seems to be paused mid-film.  There’s mugs all over the table in front of the screen, as well as loads of game controllers and a laptop.

Louis already laying all over one of the sofas so Nick sits down on the opposite one. He puts the pizza on the floor between them and Louis leans down to take a slice.

“Uh, no, I love pizza. All those carbs. Yum!” Nick attempts to sound genuine, but pizza really isn’t his favourite food. “Why do you ask?”

“I’ve literally heard you slagging it off on the radio so many times.” Louis laughs. Pig has curled up next to him instantly and Louis is stroking her. Nick tries to pretend he doesn’t feel jealous. “Did you bring it ‘cause you thought I wanted it?”

Louis listens to him on the radio. So do millions of other people, of course – but still. Louis Tomlinson listens to him on the radio. Maybe whilst he’s in bed? Oh god.

“I just fancied pizza, alright?

“Alright. Okay, sure I believe you.” Louis is smirking as he takes another slice.

“So, what film is this?”

“It’s the new X-men one, wanna watch it? I’m only ten minutes in.”

“Pretty sure we have the stars on the show next month. Thought it wasn’t out yet?”

“Yeah, but.” Louis points to himself. “Popstar.”  

“Yeah, I guessed from the house actually.”

Louis grins. “You like it?”

“It’s alright. Not really the type of place I pictured you in. What else do you have in this big fancy house?” Nick might be a bit more curious than he’s letting on.

“I bought it last year when I was with El. My sister Fizzy used to live with me too. I wanted rooms for all my sisters and brother in case they ever wanted to stay, and a proper size footie pitch outside. There’s a pool and tennis courts as well.”

Nick tries hard not to show how impressed he is. “So what do you do in it? Drink tea and play Fifa?”

“Pretty much. And play footie with the boys when they’re down. That’s it.”

The thing is – it’s the complete opposite to how Nick lives, with his little flat and his constant busy schedule, but the way Louis says it makes it sound sounds so so appealing. And Louis looks so happy here.

After the film there’s a match that Louis wants to watch, so Nick watches too. His dad would be so proud. Finchy had been super impressed at last week’s pub quiz when Nick had known the answer to the footie questions because Louis had made him watch the match the day before.

Nick nips out regularly with Pig, trying to not let her get too dirty. Louis sits with her on the floor, playing tug of war.

“You wanna play FIFA?” It’s nearing midnight, but Nick doesn’t have plans tomorrow and he’s not ready to leave. He is also shockingly bad at FIFA, however.

It’s nearly two in the morning when they finish, and by that time Nick has realised he passionately hates FIFA. Louis had won effortlessly; in the end Nick had just watched him play, to be honest. But it’s still the best evening he’s had in weeks.

“You wanna stay? There’s like, a million rooms,” Louis asks.

“If that’s okay,” Nick yawns; he’s been up since five, didn’t sleep well last night and now can’t wait to get into bed.

Louis directs Nick into the kitchen so he can get a bowl of water for Pig and then follows him as Louis hops awkwardly up the stairs. The whole house is gorgeous – obviously decorated by El and Louis with a lot of love, as a family home.

“My room’s two along if you need me, the French doors have the key in downstairs if you need to let Pig out in the morning,” Louis yawns as he shows Nick into a double room. “Bathroom’s through that door, should be a toothbrush and stuff in the cabinet.”

“Oh yeah, thanks. Night, Louis,” Nick sits down awkwardly on the edge of the bed and pats the space next to him for Pig.

“Night, Nick,” Louis waves awkwardly with his crutches, then hops out.

Pig circles then curls up at the end of the bed.

*

Nick wakes up in Louis spare room warm and cosy and can’t remember the last time he slept so well. It’s nice, knowing that Louis is safe and getting better, somewhere in this house. Nick goes for a wee, quickly runs down the stairs to let Pig out, then walks along the corridor towards Louis’s room. He’s thinking he should maybe ask Louis if he wants to go out for breakfast, he’s pretty sure Louis doesn’t have any food in the house and Nick could really go for a bacon sandwich right now. Nick’s sure Louis would agree. He’s expecting Louis to still be asleep, but as Nick gets closer to the door he can hear Louis making noises inside the room.

For a second he’s sure Louis is on the phone, maybe to one of the boys or one of his childhood friends who Louis seems to be constantly texting. But as Nick steps into Louis room he quickly steps back out. Because those noises Louis is making are clearly moans and Louis’s laying in bed, hair tousled from sleep, looking unfairly good for this time in the morning, duvet pushed down to his stomach, and hand lower, obviously getting himself off.

Nick knows he should be going back to his room, should give Louis some space, but instead he’s having trouble remembering why he shouldn’t go into the bedroom and kiss Louis and hold him down on the bed and get Louis off with his hand and his mouth.

Nick hesitates outside Louis’s door for fifteen seconds before running down the hallway on tiptoes and almost tripping down the stairs.

Nick vaguely registers that the feeling of wanting Louis is new, and then spends an intense ten minutes trying not to think about what Louis is doing upstairs and doing some deep breathing until he hears the now familiar thump of  Louis’s crutches and him moving around his room.  

“Morning, Louis,” Nick possibly yells, because he is completely obvious. Louis looks mildly surprised by the excitable greeting but sleepily sits on a chair and puts his head on the table. He looks unfairly good, hair messy and only wearing baggy shorts. “Morning, Grimmy and Pig,” he manages. “Feed me please. And I need tea.”

Obviously having a wank this morning has left Louis exhausted and unable to look after himself, Nick thinks.

“Um, okay, coming right up!”

The kitchen is quite clean, and all the essential equipment is there for Nick to make Louis a delicious breakfast but in the end the most he can get together is a cup of Yorkshire tea and a Kitkat.

Louis doesn’t seem to mind.

“So who’s been looking after you when I’m not here?” Nick attempts to sound nonchalant but secretly he wonders how the hell Louis has been coping.  

“Ah, I get by. But even bloody showering is so fucking hard.” Louis has inhaled his Kitkat and is now slurping on his tea.

Nick would make an awful nurse. He _is_ an awful friend. He hadn’t even thought about how Louis was managing with his leg.

“How have you been showering then?”

”Niall helped me when I first came home, then just, ya know. Just doing my best,” Louis shrugs.

“Oh, so that’s what that smell is, I wondered.”

Louis laughs and beams at Nick.

“Shut up. I still smell better than you. I just need some help.”

“I could help?” As soon as Nick offers he regrets it. How could he help Louis have a shower?

Louis raises his eyebrows. “Really. You would help me?” Nick nods. “Alright then Grimshaw, let’s do this!”

Louis must be really desperate for a wash, he thinks.

*

It is a bit awkward at first. Nick follows Louis into a bathroom downstairs with a huge white bath, which Louis explains is where Niall helped him before. Nick helps Louis grab some towels and coconut shower gel, placing them within easy reach of the tub, before filling the tub with warm water.

Louis struggles to shimmy his shorts off before Nick clambers forward to help him. Nick doesn’t think Louis is shy in any way, but his cheeks seem a bit pink as Nick helps him slide his shorts off, Louis isn’t wearing pants underneath, and Nick has to kneel on the floor to pull the shorts over Louis’s cast whilst Louis balances himself by holding onto the wall and Nick’s shoulder. Nick is starting to regret offering to help.

Nick isn’t sure if he should leave or maybe offer to wash Louis’s hair or something.

“Um yes, do you want me to...?” Nick asks as he edges towards the door.

“Can you just help me get in? Don’t wanna slip.”

Louis smiles up at him, and alright – Nick already knows he has the worst timing in the whole entire world, but it’s almost like he hadn’t realised just how small Louis was compared to him, until that moment. Nick feels like a giant next to him, suddenly aware of how long his legs are compared to Louis’s, how his hand covers all of Louis’s shoulder where he’s attempting to steady him as he leans into the bathtub, how much he’d have to lean down to kiss him. He also can’t help thinking how big his hand would look around Louis’s dick.

And that is a _completely_ inappropriate train of thought.

Luckily Louis doesn’t seem to have noticed Nick’s inner crisis, too busy trying to prop his leg out of the bathtub without dunking his head underwater.

Nick can feel himself blushing. This isn’t like him, since when does he blush at a naked male who he is pretty sure is straight and definitely not sexually or romantically interested in him?

Nick takes three steps towards the door. The distance doesn’t seem to be helping him very much.

“Alright. Well, I’ll just be outside if you need me.” Nick really hopes Louis doesn’t notice how shaky his voice sounds. Louis is already soaping up his hair though, thankfully ignoring him. He tries his hardest not to run to the door.

Nick waits outside the bathroom door for about twenty seconds in case Louis suddenly slips and drowns, but then decides he needs more space and races along the hall to the kitchen. Pig is sniffing round the bowl of water Louis had left out for her and sends him a condescending look which makes Nick frown. Even his dog is judging him.

Nick is now dreading Louis asking him to help him get out, or, even worse, helping him dry. Nick doesn’t think his self control can stretch that far. Louis’s skin is simply too soft and tanned, his collarbones too appealing and his thighs and bum too toned and curvy and Nick is only a man. He has flaws. He is not perfect.

But luckily Louis seems to manage alright, because half an hour later Louis hops into the kitchen looking clean and smelling like coconut. Nick would compliment him on it, but he is still busy trying to exercise some self control.

Nick has used the half an hour to productively clean up after their breakfast (mugs washed, wrappers in the bin, twenty six minutes spent making up dance routines in Louis’s kitchen with Pig) and Louis looks around the room with a confused, unimpressed look that is becoming very familiar to Nick.

It’s the look Louis gives Nick when he says something that doesn’t make any sense or is ridiculously unfunny. Nick is pleased Louis chooses to ignore these comments, but rather wishes he received less of the looks. Nick can’t be blamed for the things that come out of his mouth when he’s around Louis.

“You cleaned?” Louis pulls the sleeves of his hoody over his hands as he waits for the kettle to boil. “What do you fancy doing today?”

Nick speaks before he can stop himself. He vaguely remembers a time when he had control over his mouth, but sadly, he seems to have lost this skill.

“Uh, I didn’t realise we were spending it together?” Nick laughs, but apparently that is completely the wrong thing to say. Louis blushes bright red and turns towards the kettle. Nick tries to do some damage control. “I mean-”

Louis cuts him off. “No sorry, forgot you were a famous DJ, so in demand or whatever. Bet you’ve got plans, didn’t mean to make you stick around, you’d better be going!”

Nick’s jaw drops open. It sounds like Louis is chucking him out.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Louis- ”

“Yeah no, actually, the boys are coming over in a bit, so.” Louis starts moving around the kitchen, making another cup of tea. Nick gets up and stands by the door. It’s awkward in a way it’s not been before, and Nick goes to collect Pig from where she’s investigating Louis’s dining room.

Louis is now in front of the telly with his cuppa, he briefly glances up at Nick to smile as he leaves.

Nick awkwardly waves. “Alright. Well. Bye, Louis.”

“Bye, mate.”

Louis turns towards the telly again and Nick feels like he’s been utterly dismissed.

Nick drives home in a strop. How dare Louis be so immature to make Nick leave just for a little comment? Nick helped him have a shower, respected Louis’s space when he was having a wank, watched bloody football for four hours even though he had no idea what was going on and now Louis was acting like a child. Well. Just because Louis was pretty, there was no excuse for that. Nick would not be speaking to Louis again until he had a grovelling apology.

Its only later, as Nick is stomping over Primrose Hill with Pig, that Nick begins to miss Louis. Which is ridiculous, because he only just saw Louis this morning, and he’d been a complete brat. But then Pig is playing with a football she’s found and he really feels Louis would appreciate this on a spiritual level – he could just post a picture to his Instagram, but he doesn’t know if Louis even checks his page. And it’s Louis he wants to show it too. But he can’t, because Nick’s mouth is stupid and Louis is even _more_ stupid. Nick stomps his way to Daisy’s and begs her for cake. Thank God his best friend is a domestic goddess.

*

On Tuesday Nick goes round to Louis’s again. Louis had texted him inviting him over after the show, and even though Nick ignored the lack of apology over text he is absolutely determined to get one when he sees Louis. Expect he forgets that when he sees Louis. Like, Nick knows Louis is theoretically good looking – he’s part of the world’s biggest boy band and holds international sex symbol status. But the more time Nick spends with him, the fitter he gets.

Louis lets Nick go swimming in his indoor pool whilst Louis naps on the lounger. It’s initially a little awkward, but Nick powers through and chats about the guest he’d had on the show this morning – they’d requested an avocado wrap and blueberry smoothie that they hadn’t touched and Nick had scoffed it on his way over to Louis’s. Nick does a couple laps whilst thinking about Louis’s tan skin, curvy ass, his soft stomach, and when he gets out he’s half hard and embarrassed.

He’d gone home and fed Pig after, then got straight into bed and imagined Louis getting into the pool with him, straddling him against the pool side, rocking against him in the water. He’d wiped his hand off, then given himself a firm talk about the inappropriateness of wanking to fantasies of famous boy band members.

*

Nick is beginning to learn that Louis is a creature of routine, so it’s not a surprise that the following Saturday he invites Nick over for pizza and FIFA again. Nick thinks it might be because so much of Louis’s life is uncertain – when he’s on tour he’s in a different country every day and Nick thinks it must be crazy to sleep and eat and stay normal in a different time zone every day.

They’ve settled down to pepperoni pizza and a match that Louis apparently had pre-recorded for Nick because he wanted him to see the ‘epic save’ one of the players made. Nick still doesn’t understand it, but he likes how Louis’s voice speeds up when he gets excited and how when he’s really passionate about things he pushes his fringe back and pulls his sleeves over his hands.

Nick’s in the middle of a mouthful of pepperoni when Louis starts suddenly shifting in his seat. He’s sitting next to Nick with the pizza box between them and Pig in Louis’s lap, so it makes Nick a bit nervous.

“Alright?” Nick asks awkwardly around his mouthful of pizza.

“Yeah, but just, like. Wanted to say seriously mate, thank you. ‘Cause I spoke to my mum today and she was saying you made it a lot easier, you know, visiting the hospital and that. I know maybe we weren’t friends like you and Harry or whatever, and I know Harry asked you to and I know you didn’t like me and I know we don’t, like, talk about intense stuff but thanks, you know. For seeing me and that.”

Louis stops and takes a deep breath like stuttering through that sentence took a huge effort. He hasn’t looked at Nick once - his eyes fixed to the telly.

Nick awkwardly laughs. “No worries.”

The thing is, if Nick was a different type of person, he might have shared with Louis how even now when Nick thinks about it – it’s weird that he visited Louis so much in hospital.

Nick and Louis weren’t friends at all; Louis’s got it wrong that Nick disliked him, maybe once there had been some potential for friendship but, as Nick carries on chewing his pizza to make sure he doesn’t have to make conversation with Louis, that friendship had quickly been squashed by Louis becoming a sarcastic dickhead every time Nick saw him.

And Nick sometimes likes that in a person, but when it causes you to get death threats over Twitter it doesn’t really seem worth it. Now, however, Nick is beginning to regret the time they’ve wasted.

Nick stays to watch the rest of the match before making his excuses, claiming he has early plans with Aimee tomorrow morning for breakfast at his and therefore can’t stay. Luckily he leaves when he does, as when he get home and let’s himself into his flat, there’s a curly haired popstar asleep on his sofa.

*

Nick has always liked a bit of challenge in his sexual partners. It keeps things interesting for him – going for models that are definitely out of his league when he was younger, and now preferring to date younger men who look like models. But when he turned thirty he gave himself a pep talk, told himself that he would grow up and make better decisions regarding his love life – and yet here he is, pining over a young, gorgeous popstar (whilst the media thinks he’s pining over said popstars best friend) who six months ago he wouldn’t have even said he was friends with. But now he is pretty sure he would drop everything to spend time with him, and Nick knows that’s not a healthy friendship.

So when Louis texts him Friday morning asking if he wants to watch the football game tonight at his, to continue with his ‘education’, Nick lies and says he’s having dinner with Aimee and Ian. And when Louis texts him again Saturday evening asking if he wants to get lunch tomorrow Nick ignores it for a bit, before texting to say he has plans with Daisy to walk Pig.

Instead he spends the weekend sulking about the sexuality of popstars and moaning to his friends about a non-existent cold that is apparently keeping him bed-bound. It means he’s bombarded with calls from his friends worrying about him, but it also gives him an excuse to stay in bed with Pig, who is the only one who fully understands as she has also been having the full Louis experience for the last four weeks.

At work on Monday Matt and Fifi raise their eyebrows when they hear about what Nick’s been up to, knowing straight away that Nick hasn’t had a cold. Nick manages to stay calm until Matt asks how Louis is doing.

“Why are you asking me?” Nick snaps.

Matt holds his hands up and slowly backs away. “Alright alright, I just asked because you normally see Louis and I wondered how he was. Bit touchy this morning, are we?”

Nick loves his job and he loves Finchy but he’s not in the mood for him this morning. He’s spent all weekend trying not to think about Louis (and failing miserably) and now he wants to pretend Louis bloody Tomlinson doesn’t exist. Yes, okay, Nick will admit these past two months have been filled up with visiting Louis at the hospital and then at home, but that’s just because Louis was sick and because Louis was trying to educate Nick on football. And Nick is friends with a lot of people who are in the music business; Louis is just one of many. Besides, they have a lot in common – they both have amazing an sense of humour and they like dogs. If they want to spend time together that’s their business and theirs alone, and Nick doesn’t need Matt Fincham or Heat magazine or _anyone_ else speculating about it.

*

Nick finally accepts a call from Louis on Thursday.

He’s popped into Collette’s for lunch; so far, showing great restraint, he’s managed to only tell the story of Louis cooking Nick pasta and the story of Louis showing Nick the video of one of his charity’s matches. Luckily Colette is too much of a nice friend to laugh at him or state the obvious – that Nick is obsessed and pathetic – and for that Nick will be eternally grateful.

It’s when he’s internally laughing about the time Louis had started singing ABBA songs (Nick had wanted to cry because Louis had sounded so so good and was so so sweet and was so so out of Nick’s league) that Nick decides he’s ignored Louis enough and he may as well give into his patheticness.

So when Louis calls Nick when he’s mid-mouthful, he swallows his soup quick, burning his tongue, and answers. He had wondered if Louis would even realise Nick had been avoiding him, but straight away he can tell he’s going to have some making up to do.

“Where have you been then? Must be nice to be busy,” Louis sounds cold and sharp, the complete opposite to how he normally greets Nick.

Nick decides denial is the best way to handle this situation.

“Well good morning Louis, nice to speak to you too thanks, I’m well, thanks for asking, how are you?”

Louis sighs down the phone and Nick can imagine how if he was there he would see the tension leave Louis’s body.

“Feeling sorry for yourself?” Nick asks. Louis sighs again.

“It’s just weird after being so busy and in demand and that. And Liam was meant to come round to write but then Soph didn’t feel very well or something.” Louis sounds sad and Nick instantly feels guilty.

“Lou, give it time. You’ll get back to that.”

The nickname falls easily from Nick’s lips and he can see Collette raise her eyebrows at him from where she’s cuddling Pig.

Louis is silent for a few minutes. Nick imagines him clicking the kettle on and hopping around his beautiful kitchen.

“Come on, old man. Come to mine and play FIFA today. You’ve been improving, don’t start slacking now.”

It’s so _so_ tempting. But Nick is trying to exercise some self control.

“I can’t today, got plans with Colette. You wanna come to mine tomorrow? Change of scenery or something might help. I could come get you or you could get a car?” Nick asks.

Nick prays a change of scenery might help him stay sane.

*

When Louis gets to Nick’s the next day he’s still in a bad mood.

Nick had been to the shop after the radio and brought some paninis and avocados and posh crisps. He’s planning to feed Louis then let him nap on his sofa then send him home feeling better, but when Louis arrives he greets Nick before lowering himself onto the floor next to Nick’s sofa and cuddling Pig. And that’s alot for Nick to take. So instead of attempting to talk to Louis he pops the telly on, there’s an episode of ‘Come Dine with Me’ that Nick’s never seen, and sprawls over the sofa, deciding that Louis can talk when he’s ready.

It takes Louis about twenty minutes before he hauls himself up onto the sofa, still awkward on his leg, and drapes himself over Nick’s front. Breaking all the physical boundaries that Nick had set himself. Nick tries hard to mind.

“Sorry.”

Nick doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m normally more fun I promise.”

Nick swallows and feels sick. He thinks’ Louis is fun. He has fun with Louis. But he doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m just so worried about the boys.”

And that’s new. Nick wasn’t expecting that. Nick finally looks away from the telly, where a man is preparing prawns with a yummy looking dip, and looks down at where Louis is resting on his chest.

“You’re worried about Harry?” Nick asks. The last time Nick had spoken to Harry he had described in detail the shower sex he’d just had with his Victoria Secret girlfriend. Nick thinks Harry is doing fine.

“Yeah, all the boys.”

“Why?”

Louis sighs.

“We’ve already had half this year off, we were meant to tour next year but were gonna have to push that back now cause the album’s gonna be released late. And normally me and Liam would be writing but I’m so tired all the time and all the boys are treating me so bloody gently. I’m better. I won’t break. I wanna get back to work. It’s so frustrating.”

“The doctors said you should be taking it easy Lou. Everything will work out.” Nick’s not sure how much comfort he is, he can’t judge Louis’s face from this angle, so instead he tentatively starts stroking Louis’s hair. Louis doesn’t immediately jump up and hit him, so Nick carries on. It’s gotten so long. It’s not thick or curly like Nick’s would be if his was that long, but it’s fine and silky and light at the ends from the summer.

“But what if we’ve taken too much time off? It will be my fault if things go wrong now.”

“Nothings gonna go wrong, Lou.” Nick carries on stroking Louis hair. He really needs to ask what products Louis uses on it. It always looks so soft.

Louis doesn’t reply to that. His face is still turned to the telly, apparently engrossed by the lamb shoulder the guy on the telly is cooking. Personally the lamb looks a bit pink for Nick, but at least it looks more appealing than the prawn cocktail the guy had done for a starter.

Nick thinks the conversation is finished but Louis lifts himself up to his elbows and looks at Nick.

And then – Nick isn’t sure how this happens.

Louis kisses him.

It’s a little dry and quick, Nick doesn’t even have time to respond, doesn’t even have time to close his eyes before Louis is pulling away and putting his head back on Nick’s chest. The man on telly is now serving the vegetables and his guests are throwing disgusted looks at each other as they cut the lamb. It really is completely raw.

“What are we having for lunch?” Louis asks. He doesn’t seem to notice that Nick is in a complete daze. Too busy thinking about his stomach.

“I brought, um, those roll things? Um, Panini’s? And cheese and, um, ham? If you want?” Nick can’t remember that last time he had such trouble remembering how to speak. He keeps thinking about what he had for breakfast, he honestly can’t remember, surely his breath can’t be too bad though? Not to mention he’s pretty sure he has a double chin from this angle.

“Sounds good.” Louis replies.

“Okay. I’ll, um, just go and make it then.” Nick will sneak a mint at the same time.

Louis leans back and pull his legs up to his chest and continues watching the telly.  Nick staggers to the kitchen and then turns and looks at Louis. Pig has jumped into Nick’s space and Louis is patting her head distractedly whilst he flicks through the channels. Maybe Nick imagined the kiss. Or maybe it was a friendship kiss. Or maybe he should just make them lunch and try not to freak out.

When Nick returns with the Panini’s and cups of tea ten minutes later, Louis is watching ‘Top Gear’ and the world hasn’t ended.

“These are good,” Louis tells Nick, mid mouthful. “You’re right; I do feel a bit better.”

“Oh good. I’m glad. You know that you feel better. That’s a good thing.” Nick feels sick and the Panini keeps getting stuck in his throat.

Louis gives him that look again.

Once they’ve finished their lunch and Louis is engrossed with cuddling Pig on the floor, Nick picks their plates up and carries them into the kitchen. He concentrates on scrapping the plates off in the bin and puts them by the sink.

“Lou, do you want another cuppa?” He calls into the front room.

“Course,” Louis replies, from right behind him, and Nick hadn’t even heard him get up, even though he’s super attuned to the sound of Louis crutches now. But Louis is in Nick’s tiny kitchen and he’s in Nick’s space and leaning next to him on the counter watching the bloody kettle boil.

Nick swallows then looks at Louis. And Louis kisses him. Again. Nick’s half expecting it this time, but it still takes a few minutes before he remembers to close his eyes and kiss Louis back.  Louis’s hand comes up to cradle Nick’s face, holding his cheek and ignoring the kettle clicking when it boils.

Louis keeps kissing him, sucking on Nick’s bottom lip, and Nick doesn’t think he’s ever felt so thoroughly kissed in his life.

He needs to breathe, even as Louis tries to pull him closer, encouraging Nick to push him against the counter.

Nick keeps forgetting to breathe – he pulls away from Louis’s mouth to mouth at Louis’s neck, breathing him in before sucking gently, while Louis pulls at his hair.

Louis rocks his whole body up against Nicks and oh, that’s nice, and a new development, because Nick can now feel Louis’s hard dick against his thigh, and Louis is trying to discreetly rock up to get some friction. And Nick can feel himself getting hard as well, and if they don’t slow things down, Nick’s sure they're both going to come just by rubbing off on each other in Nick’s tiny kitchen.

Which is nice – but Nick would really _really_ like to get his hand on Louis Tomlinson’s cock right now, just in case he never lets him again.

“Lou, Lou, wait I could....?”

Louis looks up at him and his mouth is red and swollen from Nick and his pupils look blown and his hair looks fucked up where Nick’s accidently been pulling at it.

Nick can’t stop himself from kissing him again, but Louis seems to have got the message because he’s helping Nick undo his trousers, seems torn between kissing Nick and helping Nick get a hand on him, and making noises that Nick is becoming addicted to.

Louis is always a mouthy brat, Nick should have guessed he would be loud during sex.

Louis pulls his trackies and pants down, already reaching up for Nick to kiss him again, even as Nick is finally gets his hand on him and starts wanking him off. Louis is so hard, his dick thick and hot in Nick’s hand, red and wet at the tip, and Nick really wants to taste him.

But he’ll take what he can get.

He starts to wank Louis off, can’t believe how huge his hand looks around Louis’s dick, and it’s a little dry, but Louis seems to like the extra friction, rocking up into Nick’s hand and moaning into Nick’s neck, can’t even concentrate on kissing Nick anymore.

Louis bites Nick’s neck before he comes and Nick wanks him through it, until Louis is sensitive and pushing Nick away, trying to breathe whilst Nick wipes his hand off on his tea towel.

Nick leans back against the opposite counter and looks at Louis – he’s leaning against the counter to take the weight off his leg, awkwardly tucking himself back in, so much smaller than Nick and Nick really hopes this isn’t the last time they got to do that because he really wants the chance to make Louis make those noises again, to fuck those noises out of him, and wonders if he’ll ever get the chance too.

Nick doesn’t know what he’s expecting next, he’d never imagined he’d be giving Louis Tomlinson a hand job in his kitchen, let alone that now Louis would be reaching up to kiss him again, before lowering himself to the floor, awkward on his cast, but so keen to be on his knees for Nick, and pulling Nick out of his jeans and slowly feeding Nick’s dick into his soft pink mouth.

Considering Nick thought Louis was straight this definitely isn’t how he expected this afternoon to go.

Nick is going to come embarrassingly quickly, but looking at Louis, who is looking up at Nick, lips swollen and cheeks hollowed, and sucking gently at the head of Nick’s dick so well whilst wanking him off, is too much for him.

“Lou, I’m gonna, fuck.....” Louis swallows around Nick’s dick and that’s all it takes for Nick to come.

He’s lucky he’s leaning against his kitchen counter or he might have fallen over. Louis awkwardly clambers up, his cast bashing on the floor and helps Nick where he’s fumbling with attempting to tuck himself back him.

Nick feels a little stunned.

“Do you wanna watch the new Spider Man film? They sent it to me yesterday and I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet,” Louis asks him. He’s already hopping back into the living room and searching through his bag for the DVD.

“Yes. Okay.” Nick turns around and automatically puts the kettle on.

They watch Spider Man, and both nap. They spread out on opposite sofas, but Nick thinks it’s not awkward, Louis seems to be acting completely normal, teasing Nick and giving unwanted commentary about the film, shushing Nick when he attempts to speak.

Nick falls asleep about twenty minutes in, then wakes up at five, to see the DVD finished and Louis asleep on the sofa across from him.

They agree to order Chinese for dinner, and it feels completely normal to watch telly all evening, then for Louis to stay.

Nick can’t exactly expect him to leave at 11pm.

Besides, Nick has stayed at Louis’s lots of times. Nick spends an extra fifteen minutes freaking out in the bathroom about appropriate sleep wear, until he finally decides to just sleep in his pants, brushes his teeth and leaves the bathroom and Louis has already fallen asleep. So. Definitely no cuddling then. In fact – today was probably a one off, maybe Louis regretted it already, maybe it was just Louis’s way of thanking him for the bloody Panini and Nick is never thinking about it again.

But the next morning Nicks wakes up and Nick can feel that Louis is hard. Nick can feel him, thick and warm against his back. Nick’s sure they went to sleep without any physical contact. But it seems that at some point, Louis has rolled over so he’s spooning Nick from behind, and is now (apparently subconsciously) rocking against him. Nick scoots away, trying to catch his breath, but Louis rolls with him, pulling himself on top.

“Fuckk no. Wait. That feels good.”

Louis hasn’t bothered to greet him good morning, isn’t even kissing him, just breathing into Nicks’s neck, panting as he rocks down against Nicks stomach. So apparently rubbing off against each other is something they do to wake up now and Nick takes a few moments to catch up, lets Louis attempt to ride his stomach before Nick helps reposition him against Nick’s thigh. Louis groans at the better angle and Nick helps him pull his pants down, Louis seeming impatient at the barrier between his dick and Nick’s thigh. Nick slides his hands over Louis bum, round and firm in his hands, attempting to help Louis grind down onto him and feels Louis freeze.

Louis rolls off him and covers his face with his hand.

Nick really hopes he’s not going to witness a sexuality breakdown.

“I, uh, I don’t want to do that” Louis stutters.

“Okay.”

Louis’s dick is still out, and he’s still hard, but his hand is still covering his face and Nick can feel the space between them.

“Just. My ass. I’m not into that. I don’t want to do that”

“Okay.”

Nick’s had a lot of sex, and he’s been with a lot of men who identify with a lot of different things, and yesterday Louis had sucked Nick’s cock like he loved it, but today he’s freaking out about Nick groping his ass, and if that doesn’t scream sexuality crisis then Nick’s not sure what does.

Louis hand is still rubbing at his face, and Nick feels unbelievably awkward, but Louis is still hard for Nick and that’s giving him some confidence. But he wants Louis to set the boundaries.

“Make me a cuppa, would you?” Louis asks. He’s still staring up at the ceiling, still hard.

“You want toast?” Nick asks.

“What else you got?”

“Just toast?”

“Guess I’ll have toast then.”

Nick goes to the loo and cleans his teeth, pulling a t-shirt on as he walks into the kitchen. He fills the kettle with water and pops the toast in the toaster.

If Louis needs some time, Nick can give it to him.

Nick lets Pig into the garden, then calls Louis into the dining area.

“Lou, breakfast if you want it.”

“Thanks.” Louis hops in from the bedroom, in his pants and frowning.

They sit side by side as they munch their toast and sip their tea, the silence strangely comforting rather than awkward. Pig is pottering Nick’s little garden, she always seems to dig in the same place every morning and Nick admires her commitment.

Louis starts fidgeting once he finishes his toast, and Nick has learnt that this means Louis has something he needs to say. It still takes him ten minutes before he manages to say it.

Louis rests his hand on Nick thigh and leans towards him.

“Nick. Do you mind keeping this between us?” Louis asks.

Nick is sort of offended, but Louis sounds so sincere that Nick attempts to laugh it off.

“Do I need to sign loads of forms?” Nick quickly replies.

“No,” Louis looks bashful and embarrassed, but he hold’s Nick’s eye contact. “I’ve found the best way is just to ask someone not to tell anyone. And I’m asking you and trusting you not too.”

“I wouldn’t tell anyone, I won’t.” Nick promises.

“Thank you.” And regardless of Louis’s freak out this morning - Louis leans forward and kisses Nick sweetly, cradling his face. It’s innocent and gives Nick hope.

Louis gives him a hug when he says goodbye, with promises to see each other again later that week.

*

The thing is, Louis and Nick haven’t spoken about what happened. Nick has always thought Louis was straight, but his eagerness to get onto his knees for Nick suggests otherwise. Nick also doesn’t know if Louis is seeing anyone else. Nick hadn’t been too bothered but now orgasms seem to be part of their friendship, he’s definitely curious.

Harry is the obvious person to ask, mainly because he has a sweet childlike innocence which means he isn’t a suspicious person. Which means Nick can normally get gossip out of him whilst still appearing just an innocent third party. The opportunity doesn’t come until they’re cooking salmon on Tuesday evening.

Harry asks Nick about Louis first.

“Heard you’ve been hanging out with Lou?” Harry asks.

“Yep. Just keeping an eye on him. You’re welcome by the way.”

Harry laughs but when he smiles at Nick it seems a little patronising. Nick doesn’t want to know what his face looks like. Harry has always managed to read Nick too easily.

“He’s always busy when I try to make plans with him,” Harry complains.

Nick doesn’t want to tell Harry he’s spent nearly the last six weekends, and a few days during each week, with Louis. He’s not sure what Louis has told Harry.

“Oh really. Who with?” Nick asks. He takes the salmon out of the oven just as Harry plates up the salad, and Nick makes sure he evenly divides the cucumber, peppers and sauce before they carry their plates into the dining area.

“Stan and El were down last week staying with him.”

That’s news to Nick. Louis hadn’t mentioned having his ex-girlfriend to stay last week, not that it’s any of Nick’s business, but as a mate, it’s interesting.

“Wasn’t he practically engaged to her last year?” Nick’s worried he might be giving too much away.

“Yeah but they broke up cause they wanted different things,” Harry says, around his mouthful of salmon.

“Oh.”

Nick gets up to pour him and Harry some more wine, contemplating whether or not he wants to ask Harry about Louis’s sexuality. He knows he shouldn’t, but he also really _really_ wants to know.

Nick takes a risk, and regrets it as soon as he speaks.

“You know. Louis told me he wasn’t straight the other day.” It’s not a direct question, but Nick knows if Louis ever finds out he would hate Nick. But Nick can’t take it back now.

“You thought Louis was straight just cause he dated El?” Harry asks.

Nick tries to sound non committal; he shrugs, fills his fork up food and puts it all in his mouth. Maybe if he just keeps his mouth full of food it will stop his from talking.

“Well he isn’t,” Harry says. Obviously Nick knows this now, he’s had Louis’s dick in his hand and Louis has sucked Nick’s dick which doesn’t exactly suggest he’s straight. But still – Harry has at least confirmed that Louis isn’t in complete denial but now Nick can’t help feeling like Harry is trying to get Nicks eye contact a bit too intently, and Nick makes sure he is very committed to loading his fork again, a challenging task which absolutely requires his full concentration.

*

Louis comes round on Friday to watch Masterchef and eat curry. When Nick answers the door Louis has a fierce expression on his face and after dinner (curry in front of Masterchef, Louis throws the naan bread and samosas at him when he talks too much) he kisses Nick, leads him into the bedroom, and fingers him whilst sucking him off.

It isn’t exactly how Nick had expected the evening to go, but Nick likes to think he is an open minded spontaneous guy, and if Louis wants to prove a point, then Nick is happy to go along with it, especially if orgasms are involved.

*

Louis avoids social media, and just because Nick isn’t posting photos on instagram or tweeting Louis, doesn’t mean he’s keeping it a secret that their friends. Louis has only just got his cast off, and it will be weeks before he can play football like he used too (Nick’s had to listen to Louis moan about it).

It means that when they hang out it’s normally just the two of them. Nick likes having Louis undivided attention, especially now that orgasms are part of the friendship.

It all seems to work working well until Nick drops round on Thursday with beer, pizza, bread, crisps, ham, some chocolate milk Louis’s been craving and a box of cocopops (because he is apparently Louis’s delivery boy now, which he is gonna milk and attempt to get another blow job out of), and Zayn Malik from One Direction answers the door.

Nick knew that Louis was still seeing the boys, still chatting with them about the plan for 1D and making plans for next year, but still Nick feels he could have used a _little_ warning as he feels a _little_ stunned.

Zayn shows him into Louis’s living room, and explains that the two of them have had a ‘few days of gaming’ (Nick can smell weed even as he walks down the corridor). Nick awkwardly greets Louis with a super laddy hug (full of lots of back slapping), then sits down on the sofa next to Louis and Louis’s best friend, his partner in crime, one of Louis brothers who is always the quickest to defend him, and who has always been unimpressed by Nick no matter how many compliments Nick has given him and his hair on the radio. It’s a little awkward.

“Good,” Louis greets him. “Zayn and I are in the middle of an intense FIFA battle and we need to stay hydrated.” He throws Zayn and Nick a beer each and opens his own using the edge of the table.

“Right. Tea then?” Nick would rather not embarrass himself attempting to open the beer using the table and instead makes his way into the kitchen to make them all a cup of tea.

As Nick boils the kettle he can’t stop thinking about what Louis’s might have told Zayn about him. What must Zayn think about Nick making himself at home, making the tea and doing grocery shopping for Louis.  He wonders if Zayn approves. Harry didn’t seem surprised that Louis wasn’t straight, so Nick can’t help but wonder if all the boys know. But does Zayn know that Louis has been kissing Nick? Harry definitely seems to suspect something.

The kettle boils and Nick grabs some bags of crisps from the shopping. He’s brought some digestives as well so he adds them to the tray. He carries it back in and the boys look up from the telly to thank Nick before turning back to their game.

Nick awkwardly sits on the sofa and sips his tea. He wonders if Zayn can feel his and Louis amazing sexual chemistry. Although it might not be top notch right now, as Louis seems to be completely focused on the game.

Nick tries to keep along with the game, and Louis and Zayn are polite enough, answering Nick’s questions and laughing at Nick’s (obviously hilarious) jokes. He’s just contemplating leaving, after all he’s pretty much being ignored and Nick would probably receive more attention from Pig, when Louis comes and sits on the floor in front of Nick.

Since Louis kissed Nick last week, the physical barrier between them has been broken and now it feels normal for Nick to put an arm around Louis and stroke his hair, but he doesn’t know if that’s allowed if front of Zayn. Is it a secret?

He’s just considering his options when Louis turns around and glares at Nick.

“You gonna play with my hair or what?” Louis asks.

Zayn laughs and Nick can’t breathe. Right. So he guesses Louis does want him to stroke his hair.

The rest of the evening is spent cuddling Louis whilst Louis and Zayn speak a foreign language and play games. When Zayn leaves, Nick hugs him, and Nick thinks (as long as he doesn’t mess this up with Louis) that he’s made a new friend. It’s been such a good evening – Nick hadn’t realised until now how much he’s hated keeping this things with Louis a secret, wants to tell everyone that he gets to kiss Louis and sleep with him (nearly) every night.

Louis leads Nick up to his room, kissing him on the stairs, kissing him against the wall outside his bedroom. But once they’ve undressed each other and got into Louis’s bed Nick feels like something is different. The thing is – the small amount of sex they’ve had up until this point has been controlled by Louis, but now, with Louis looking up at Nick from beneath him it feels different. More intimate, Louis seems calm and pliant beneath Nick, and Nick is suddenly very aware of his own face. And very aware of Louis’s face. Louis delicate cheekbones and the frown hidden beneath his eyes. Like this – it’s the first time Nick’s found him easy to read. He’s nervous. Louis smiles slightly, his eyes wide and trusting. And so _so_ blue.

“I haven’t done this before.”

“Sex? Why don’t I believe that.” Nick can feel himself smiling as he leans down to kiss Louis’s neck. There’s a spot just below his ear that Nick has learnt makes Louis make the most delicious sound, and Nick would really like to hear it right now.  Louis’s breath increases and he breathes a laugh into Nicks shoulder.

“With a man, I mean.”  Louis still sounds nervous and that’s making Nick feel nervous. He leans back on to his arms so he’s looking down at Louis again.

“I’ll be gentle. And slow. And anything else you want. Are you sure you want this?”

“I want this. I want this with you.” Louis leans up to kiss Nick and Nick can feel how much Louis does want this. He lets Louis kiss him hard and desperate for a while before sucking Louis’s lip into his mouth and slowing this kiss down. Louis trusts him and Nick is going to take his time.

He kisses down Louis’s body until he’s begging him to do anything, to touch him, to make him come. Nick kisses him and Louis clutches at Nick’s face, panting and desperate.

“Louis where’s your condoms and lube?” Nick sits back so Louis can reach into his beside drawer. “Tell me if you don’t like something or if it doesn’t feel good, okay?”

Louis hands Nick the condom and small tube of lube before pulling Nick back into a kiss.

“Louis?”

“Okay okay, I will, I promise.”

He slowly preps Louis, taking his time, stretching him with his fingers, Louis starts to lose his erection so Nick sucks Louis’s dick into his mouth and Louis whines, turning his head into the pillow. Nick waits until Louis is fully hard again, and squirming around three of Nick’s long fingers.

“Ready?”

“Yes, oh god, Nick please,” Louis moans. He’s panting and Nick can feel him shaking below him.

Nick puts the condom on, lubes up, then encourages Louis to lift his legs around him and lines up. Nick slowly pushes in, waiting for Louis to relax, feeling Louis so hot and tight around him.

“Wait wait.” Louis gasps, and Nick stills above him.

“Alright?” Nick pulls back a little and waits for Louis to open his eyes and look at him. “Relax Lou.”

He knows that he’s bigger than Louis, and that Louis freaked out last week when Nick even tried to finger him, and he worries he hasn’t prepped him enough.

Louis takes a few deep breaths. He pulls Nick forward to kiss him. Nick kisses him back, it all feels so intense, with Nick half in Louis and knowing how much Louis trusts him. He just wants to make this good for Louis.

“Just feels.... different. It’s a lot. Not bad. You can move now.”

Nick starts moving, trying to concentrate on Louis’s face, not sure Louis would admit if he wasn’t enjoying it, and so Nick recognises when Louis starts to relax, starts letting small moans escape, and starts shallowly thrusting back to meet him. Louis has always been loud, and yet now Louis seems to be fighting himself, careful not to let any noise escape, and making Nick even more aware than normal of the awful grunting noises he makes during physical excursions.

Nick knows when Louis starts to enjoy it because Louis had been still beneath Nick, had been trying to keep himself from making noise but Louis suddenly can’t seem to keep himself still, he’s meeting Nick on every thrust, moaning loudly, swearing, pulling Nick’s hair, running his hands down Nick’s back, reaching down to pull his knee’s up to help Nick get even deeper, face screwed up. Louis starts begging when he gets close, dick so hard, slapping against his stomach as Nick thrusts down hard into him, and so wet when Nick reaches between them and starts pulling him off.

Nick is so focused on Louis, on making sure Louis is enjoying himself, that he doesn’t realise how close he is, until Louis tightens around him, shooting off into Nick’s hand and gasping. Nick pulls out quickly, careful of Louis being sensitive now he’s come, takes off the condom and drops it over the side of the bed, leaning back, stroking himself twice before coming in his hand.

Nick awkwardly uses his t-shirt which had been dumped by the side of the bed to wipe his hand, then collapses next to Louis on the bed. He’s hoping for some post sex cuddling, but he’s determined to let Louis come to him.

Louis leans over and brushes Nicks hair off his face. It’s gotten long over the summer and is sticking to his forehead with sweat. The touch is surprising gentle.

“Thanks.”

“You are very welcome. Any time. Seriously.”

Louis turns to him, grinning. Nick knows he’s screwed.

Nick rolls him and Louis over so he’s spooning Louis. They should really clean up, and they’ll regret it when they wake up, but Nick was up early doing the radio, and now he’s shagged out and sleepy and having Louis in his arms, satisfied and trusting Nick, is something he wants to enjoy for a little longer. He can worry that he’s in too deep later, when he has Pig to listen to him moan.

*

Louis turns up on Nick’s doorstep Sunday evening. Nick’s just got home from a roast at Sadie’s with Collette and all of Sadie’s kids.  It’s been a few weeks since Nick had seen them and everyone had commented on how happy he was, Collette swearing it was because of a new moonstone she’d given him last month. Louis kisses Nick’s neck as Nick unlocks his door, before following him inside and leading him to bed.

*

Nick wakes up before his alarm the next morning. Louis is still asleep. Nicks not surprised, guessing from Louis’s recent late night texts and tweets – he’s pretty sure Louis’s had about four hours sleep in the last two days. Nick’s not sure when he started keeping track of Louis Tomlinson’s sleep pattern but it’s a very unwelcome revelation.  Louis’s never stayed round during the week before – Nick had assumed it was an unspoken agreement because Nick wakes up at the crack of dawn to do the radio, but last night after making Nick swap places so he didn’t have to lay in the wet spot, Louis had kissed Nicks shoulder and asked if he could stay. And Nick had pretended not to freak out and politely told Louis he could. Louis had fallen asleep straight away and Nick had laid there and freaked the hell out. Because this was new and different and Louis was so hard to read and Nick knew he needed to be careful.

Later at work Nick nearly has a breakdown. In all honesty he’s felt like he’s been nearing it for a while, he remembers his dad always telling him as a kid he was too highly strung and going to explode one day and then, on a rainy Monday it almost happens.

He’s just done, in his opinion, an amazing link into Rita Ora’s new song which involved describing in vivid detail the mouth watering cheesecake Daisy had made him, and then in even more detail, the effect the cheese had had on his bowels. Finchy hadn’t looked impressed, but Nick is a broadcasting legend and his listeners appreciate his honesty, he’s sure. Besides dairy is evil and people need to be warned.

He’s busy avoiding Finchy’s unimpressed gaze by scrolling through the Mail Online website when he sees an article about Louis. ‘ _One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson thanks fans for support’_ , breaking news obviously, Nick thinks as he rolls his eyes.

Its accompanied by the photo of Louis leaving the hospital and waving at fans. He looks soft and tired. Huge bags under his eyes and hair long and squirrel like. Nick tries to ignore the feeling of affection he can feel in his chest. He’s just had breakfast (some of Fiona’s muesli, he’s on another health kick, can feel himself wasting away already) and it’s easy to pass the feeling off an indigestion.

He clicks through to the article and then the link to Louis’s official twitter.

And. Well. That’s interesting. Nick’s pretty sure Louis never used to use his twitter – Harry always moaned about their PR team begging them all to tweet more even though they all felt it encouraged people to be more invasive, especially on their time off.

But it looks like since Louis’s left hospital spending time with Nick isn’t the only new thing he’s been doing.

Louis’s been tweeting.

Nick scrolls down to a few weeks ago. He recognises these tweets – Lottie and Louis’s mum Jay had been tweeting from his account to reassure fans. It hadn’t stopped twitter from starting rumours about Louis and his condition and Nick remembers the awful trends that had started about Louis dying a few weeks ago before being denied by Louis’s family.

But the tweets that have been tweeted are all Louis since he’s woken up.... a photo from his hospital bed of Louis cuddling Lottie that Nick stares at for a few seconds before promising himself he’ll download onto his phone later (and never even let Louis find out), tweets about football, food, FIFA, tour, loads of banter with Niall and Liam, and loads of tweets thanking his fans and family for their support.

And then, tweeted this morning with the caption ‘ _best cuppa!!! only way to wake up!!!_ ’ - A photo of Louis’s mug at Nicks.

He knows its Louis’s mug at his, because Nick had brought it specially. Louis always moaned about Nick and his tea and his life, so a few days ago Nick had presented him with Doncaster Rovers mug that he’d got Fiona’s arty boyfriend to personalise, he’d painted on the back two footballs with the words ‘ _my balls have seen a lot of action’_.

Nick loved football penis jokes. Louis loved football and tea. Nick thought that was a perfect match.

When he’d brought it he thought even if Louis hated it, it might start a conversation about what the hell they were doing.

But nope – Louis loved it.  Obviously in the photo the mug is turned away so you can only see the Doncaster Rover sign and Nick knows (because Louis had turned up with a box of Yorkshire tea last night) that this is Louis’s morning cup of tea. Then he’ll have another one after his shower. That means he’s still at Nicks and not gone home yet. He might be sitting in Nick’s bed with Pig right now, drinking tea. Thinking about Nick. Listening to the radio.

Nick knows that’s a dangerous train of thought. But why would Louis tweet this? What does it mean? Does it mean it’s important to Louis? Does it mean Nick’s important to Louis? Does it mean he wants to tell people about Nick?

Nick doesn’t have time to dwell on that dangerous thought though, as his guest for the show turns up. Today Nick was interviewing a new American singer who’s just won the American version of ‘The Voice’ and is now apparently trying to break England.

Straight away Nick can tell there is going to be a problem – she doesn’t understand Nick’s sense of humour and after a flat ten minute interview she goes out to speak to her people whilst he plays her song. Fincham is called outside the studio and Fifi is frowning. Nick cues up two more songs and checks the texts – there all filled with complaints about how boring the interview is and how awkward it’s making Nick.

This is pretty much Nick’s worst nightmare and it’s making him feel sick.

“Don’t worry, we’ll sort out some set questions and be in more control when she comes back in,” Fiona reassures him, but she’s scrolling through twitter and looking anxious.

They’ve played three songs in a row now and Nick knows that his listeners will notice.

He’s just planning to go out and apologise when Finchy comes back in.

“She’s left, doesn’t want to finish the interview.”

Nick’s never had a guest leave mid interview before.

“She’s going to tweet that she was feeling unwell, we’ll have to tell the listeners she’s feeling sick, and let the music do the talking this morning.” Matt’s already sat down and is tapping on his computer, queuing up more music.

“Let me talk to her,” Nick begs, he sure he can get her to stay. It’s a misunderstanding.

“Nick she’s already gone,” Matt’s still frowning and now scribbling on a piece of paper and hands it to Nick. “Okay okay. So read this, then lead straight into showquizness, alright?”

*

By the time Nick gets home to Louis he’s forgotten about Louis’s tweets and the amazing night they’ve spent together - instead he’s fuming about today’s show.

He’d had plans to head straight home to Louis but instead they’d had to have a team debrief with Big Boss Ben Cooper and even though everyone has reassured Nick it’s not his fault he’s still 100% blaming himself.

And yet – even though Nick feels uncertain and anxious about his friendship with Louis, as Nick pushes open the door to his flat, he is so _so_ glad that someone is there waiting for him, to make him feel better and comfort him, and even more glad that that person is Louis, with his sarcastic sense of humour and the way he looks at Nick and holds Nick and makes Nick feel like Nick is worthy of someone like Louis’s love. Like Nick is worthy of Louis.  

Louis is sitting on a chair outside in Nick’s tiny garden, Pig pottering around at his feet and covered in throws from Nick’s couch.

It’s a little surprising considering that it’s December and freezing cold.

Nick was hoping he would find Louis curled up in bed, or in a steaming hot shower, but he’s still hopeful he can convince Louis to relocate. Louis smiles and greets Nick with a kiss, then moves so Nick can sit next to him and put his arms around him.

Nick can hear the radio coming through from the conservatory and Scott Mills is explaining the task he set Chris Stark last week (to get an invitation to the British Fashion Awards) and Louis had obviously been listening to Nick’s show this morning.

It’s freezing outside, Nick still has goose bumps even with the blankets, but he’s comfortable and he feels Louis might be about to say something profound. Maybe he’s going to finally confess his love for Nick, and share his plan to have all of Nick’s huge headed children. Nick starts to imagine how funny his children with Louis would look – his large head and teeth and Louis’s tiny hands and feet.

“You know, in the hospital the first thing I wanted to do when I woke up was go outside. I mean, not the first thing, after seeing my family obviously, and Stan and Zayn and everyone. But after that, I kept asking the nurses if they would take me outside. Kept feeling like I needed fresh air. I never felt like that before, was always happy to stay on the bus for days, especially if we could smoke on there, never wanted bloody fresh air before in my life. But it was like I needed to know there was more than what was happening then, you know? In the greater scheme of things, the world was still turning or whatever.”

Nick laughs because Louis obviously wants him too. Louis never talks about what happened, never talks about how it felt to be so sick, and worry his family so much.

Louis has started pulling at Nick’s hair, Nick had styled it into a quiff this morning, but its gone flat where Nick has been running his hands through it. Louis pulls it down into Nick’s face, working through the knots and making Nick sleepy.

“I’m sorry your show was shit this morning.”

Nick laughs again.

“It will be better tomorrow.”

Nick nods.

Louis’s still watching Pig, pulling at Nick’s hair, making Nick feel safe and warm.

“When I was younger, like a really little kid, I always used to love school, but when you put effort into things, and then you fuck up that’s when it hurts most. Sometimes I feel like that now. Especially with writing, they always encourage us to write about our girlfriends, when me and El broke up they said I should use it, even Liam, but I didn’t want to share that with anyone. Couldn’t imagine being judged on that.” Louis leans down and kisses Nick’s forehead, there’s something in the way he’s looking and touching Nick, something Nick’s never seen before, from Louis or anyone else. He wonders if its love. “I know you love it. I’m sorry.”

*

That evening Nick has plans to go out to karaoke with all his friends.

He’d invited Louis last week and been expecting Louis to say no – they haven’t really hung out in public because they’ve been attempting to avoid media attention. But Louis seems keen when Nick mentions it to him, and even though Louis seems calm and excited for a night out, to Nick it is a much bigger deal.

This is a man, that finally Nick really likes, loves maybe, who he has fun with, and amazing sex with, and can potentially see a future with. And tonight he’s going to meet all of Nick’s oldest friends, and sure thier friends think it’s just an innocent friendship, but it’s still a big deal.

When Nick and Louis get to the bar Pixie, Gillian, Aimee, Ian, Henry, Dave, Emily, Alexa and Daisy are already there. Louis had been anxious before they’d gone out, checking that Nick thought his black jeans and t-shirt looked alright, and styling his hair so it was all soft and feathery around his face.

Nick thinks he might love him.

As Nick introduces him to everyone as his ‘friend, Louis’ before going to get him a drink Nick feels like the luckiest guy, six months ago he would never predicted this could have happened and now he can genuinely see a future with Louis.

After an hour Nick finds himself dragged to the bar with Pixie, Gelz, Alexa and Aimee. Pixie smirks over her drink at him. Nick knows what’s coming, but it’s Aimee who speaks first.

“You’re shagging him aren’t you? God, how did you manage that?” In her American accent the disbelief sounds even more intense.

Nick coyly sucks on his straw before answering.

“You can’t tell anyone. Were keeping it quiet at the moment.” He can’t even pretend he’s not enjoying this. He wants everyone to know how happy he is with Louis.  And technically he didn’t tell anyone so he hasn’t betrayed Louis’s trust. He can feel himself smiling before replying, “I’m not sure. But it’s good. God, it’s so good”.

When they return to the table Nick sits opposite Louis. Louis’s cheeks are flushed from the amount of drinks he’s had, he’s laughing at something Henry is saying to him and Nick can see Henry is holding Dave’s hand as he tells an animated story that, as far as Nick can understand, is about the time Nick played football at uni and nearly broke his wrist. Nick wants to hold Louis’s hand. He wonders how obvious it would be, how Louis would react, if Nick went round and hugged him from behind.

Nick’s hates that he’s too scared to find out.

*

That night Nick takes Louis home and sucks him off in the shower before letting Louis fuck him. He tries to show Louis how much he appreciates Louis making an effort with his friends, for being so sweet and funny all evening, for making all of his friends fall in love with him.

*

After Nick and Louis have a cup of tea in bed. It feels domestic and comfortable, like a proper relationship.

Nick has often wondered over the last couple of months how Louis identifies his sexuality. Nick isn’t narrow minded enough to think that Louis needs to label his sexuality, or explain to Nick who he’s attracted to, but Nick feels a constant curiosity because of how strongly Louis denied the ‘Larry Stylinson’ rumours.

Nick had seen Harry laugh at the rumours at the start, but then a few weeks later come round subdued and sad and finally explain to Nick, after a few bottles of wine, that Louis was annoyed about the rumours, to the point that management had advised them that if they wanted them to stop they should stop encouraging them, and Louis had told Harry that meant no public affection.

Harry loved affection.

Louis had used twitter to aggressively deny any rumours, and Nick remembers some pretty vicious tweets, that yeah, maybe he’ll never admit but it but did hurt him a bit. Nick is an adult who is 100% comfortable in his sexuality, but he couldn’t help but feel sad about the wasted opportunity for Louis to show there was nothing wrong with **any** sexuality.

I hate myself for putting that in cause its so selfish cause thats what i want Louis to do

The whole thing seemed to be handled so poorly, especially now that Nick has heard Louis comfortably talk about loving El and yet is sweet and gentle with him. Nick doesn’t expect Louis to ever talk about it, until Louis mentions it to Nick that night, after a fun night out with Nick’s friends and post orgasm cuddling in bed with a cup of tea.

“They’ll probably be pictures of us leaving the club tonight. Twitter will go crazy.” Louis’s tone sounds neutral and Nick can't believe how difficult Louis still is to read.

Nick nods, they’d been some photographers outside the club and even though Nick and Louis had got different cars home, Nick knew twitter would still go wild.

Nick feels brave. “Prepare yourself for gay rumours again.”

Louis frowns and stills his hand where he had been playing with Nick’s hair. Nick puts his empty cup on the bedside table and turns so he can see Louis’s face.

“Ah, well I’m used to them by now.” Louis smiles awkwardly, and continues petting Nick’s hair. “Not my first time for that.”

“Yeah i remember.”

Louis sighs. Nick guesses that Louis had been hoping to avoid this conversation.

“I don’t know Nick, it’s like I knew I liked men but I was happy in my relationship, thought I was gonna marry her, didn’t really think I’d ever have to come out, cause there would never be a guy I would wanna date or have sex with or share my life with. So we decided it would be easier to deny them, especially ‘cause most of the rumours involved bloody Harry.”

“Bloody Harry,” Nick agrees smiling. He feels so warm and so happy. His dog curled up by their feet and a man he loves in his bed. But he can’t help being curious.

“And now?” Nick asks.

“And, yeah, now maybe I’m rethinking that. This feels pretty good doesn’t it?”

Nick laughs and tries not to cry.

“What about in the future?” Nick asks. He just needs the tiniest bit more commitment from Louis before he lets Louis in completely.

“You mean what do I want?” Louis looks up at the ceiling and smiles. “Marriage, kids,” Louis looks down to smile at him. “I’ve seen my mum go through two marriages and now she’s so happy. I want that. What do you want?”

“Same. Yeah, same.”

*

Now that Nick has hung out with Louis and Zayn and Louis has met Nick’s friends, Nick isn’t surprised with Louis invites himself and Harry over for lunch at Nick’s.

Harry is delighted. “I knew you’d get along with Nick, always, I always knew.”

“Obviously cause you know everything, Harry.” Louis says, beaming at Nick. His knees are tucked under his bum on the chair, and his eyes look so _so_ bright.

“Probably,” Harry agrees, helping himself to more avocado salad.

“Yeah, well, he needed me. You know how shit he was at FIFA before I met him?!” Louis is speaking to Harry, but Nick’s sure they both must be so obvious, smiling at each other over bloody prawn cocktails.

“Grimmy has his good points though,” Harry defends him.

“Yes thank you Harry. I agree I do have my good points. Not everything should be judged on FIFA ability thanks Louis.”

Louis laughs. “I don’t agree.”

“You obviously have some things to talk about.  You obviously trust Nick. Especially cause you told him you’d been with men,” Harry says, ruining everything in one sentence. “Actually, I was surprised you’d told him that.”

Louis blushes bright red. He’s staring at Nick, but Nick can’t meet his eyes.

“What?” Louis seems stunned.

“Nick told me that you’d told him you’d been with men.”

“No. I definitely did not tell him that. I think I would remember saying something like that to him. And I don’t so I didn’t. So why is Nick lying?”

Louis and Harry are both staring at Nick. Nick still can’t meet Louis’s eyes. Can’t believe how Louis is looking at him, with hatred, and Harry’s look of disbelief.

“Should I leave?” Harry asks. Nick and Louis ignore him. Nick isn’t sure he can speak, and isn’t sure what is going to make this situation better even if he could work his mouth.

“I’m so so sorry Louis. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just wanted to know what was going on.”

“You had no right.” Louis hands are shaking, he’s still holding his knife and fork and he’s still glaring at Nick.

“I know. I’m sorry. I just wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to know what you wanted.”

“So you asked my best friend? How dare you. What gives you the right to know anything about me?”

“You were the one who started this, you kept me guessing but you were the one who called me!”

“Only because you had a panic attack! The nurses told me! You were so worried about me you had a bloody panic attack at my bloody bedside! I felt sorry for you!”

Nick feels like he might be having another panic attack. He feels sick and his throat feels tight.

Harry gets up from the table and grabs his coat and leaves. Nick wishes he could do the same.

“Why did you even bother asking? What did you think this was? Did you think we could be out in the media? Walk Pig holding hands? Go to events in matching suits?” Louis’s tone is scalding. He lets out a bark of laughter. “Did you think this was a bloody fairytale? You cry at my bedside then we live happily ever after? What a fucking joke.”

And yes - that was exactly what Nick had wanted, but he would never ever had mentioned it to Louis, and hearing Louis now, seeing the look of disgust on his face, Nick hadn’t thought Louis would him hurt like this. He doesn’t understand how Louis could hold him so sweetly and kiss him so gently and look at him like this now.

“You thought it meant something? Where did you actually think this was heading? Bloody hell Nick, how delusional are you?”

Nick feels like his silence fills the room. How can Louis not see how Nick is falling apart in front of him? But nothing seems to stop Louis in his anger.

“Obviously this was a bit of fun, something to pass the time, something to fill the time until I was better and could get back to work, it was just pity. That was it. I felt sorry for you. Nothing else.”

Nicks mouth feels so dry. Everything he ever doubted, ever worried about, what he lay awake at night thinking about was being proved right.

“Well,” Nick pauses, aware that this is his last time to save face in front of Louis, his chance to get the last word in, keep some dignity. “Well. I always thought this was a mistake. You proved me right. Don’t speak to me again, and next time you’re bored or just want to be wanted, don’t call me, because I won’t answer.”

Louis leaves and Nick is alone, just like before.  

*

Nick’s got two weeks off over Christmas. He makes a big deal on the radio, telling all his listeners about staying in London for the weekend before heading back up to Oldham over Christmas, just in case Louis changes his mind. He spends two days drunk in his pants, trying not to cry and drinking red wine. Hopefully it will stain his teeth and make him even more repulsive and unlovable than he already is, and then maybe Louis will take pity on him and have sex with him again. Or just speak to him. Or just look at him. Nick will take whatever he can get.

Then on Monday he attempts to sober up, packs Pig up and drives home, embarrassingly crying when he sees his mum.

It’s been three months since he’s managed to find time to go home because Nick has been so caught up with Louis. His mum hugs him and kisses his forehead, even though he has to bend down so she can reach.

“Oh come here sweetheart. Let me put the kettle on. It’s alright, we will fix this together. Nothing to cry about, I’m sure.”

*

Nick tries not to sulk too much over Christmas, but his life is incredibly unfair and he doesn’t want to get out of bed, at least until Louis begs him to after realising he can’t live without him.

His dad is incredibly supportive, like usual, calling him a ‘big girls blouse’ at least twice a day. (Pig gets her revenge after four days at home, destroying his dad’s favourite pair of boots. Maybe Pig is his soul mate.)

Nick spends his days before Christmas eating and checking Louis’s twitter. Louis had already told him he was going home for Christmas - but there’s nothing on twitter. Louis had told him that the band were preparing to realise new music and start touring next year – but nothing on twitter.  Not one post, or photo or anything. Nothing. Nick feels like Louis is punishing him.

He didn’t realise how much time he spent seeing Louis in the last couple of weeks. But he’s realising now that even when he wasn’t with him he was thinking about him, or texting him, or thinking about texting him. He’s got loads of friends but it’s not the same, he feels they won't appreciate a picture of Nick’s feet or his afternoon snack the same way Louis did.

Daisy rings him on Christmas eve, from France where she’s skiing with her new boyfriend. Nick realises mid conversation that he’s gone from being the most supportive best friend to the most bitter. He doesn’t want to hear about how happy all his friends are. He wants to moan about the fact he met the perfect, hottest, funniest guy and he turned out to be a total dick who didn’t want him.

*

Harry texts him inviting himself over to lunch at Nick parents three days after Christmas. He’d text Nick apologising after that awful dinner, and of course Nick had forgiven him, but now he’s dreading seeing him. He’s so embarrassed with how he acted.

“Hows things with Louis? Nick. I need to tell you. I’m so sorry. I just wanted the both of you to admit it. I didn’t mean to make you fight.”

Nick looks over at Harry.

“So wait, you knew?”

“Course I knew mate. You were both bloody stupid for each other. Everyone knew. That sexual tension!”

“Have you spoken to Louis about it?”

“Not exactly,” Nick doesn’t bother thinking about that. He knows Harry and Louis’s friendship is complicated.

“Even before. When I told you Louis was in hospital,” Harry continues. “Your face. It was obvious. Why did you think I got my mum to go with you to see him?”

Nick hadn’t even thought about that.

“Maybe things aren’t good now, but you‘ll work it out.”

He doesn’t want to tell Harry how badly things are ruined now; that Louis never wants to see him again, hates him. Nick just really wants to believe him.

Nick scoots further away from Harry on the sofa so he can lie down and put his head in Harry’s lap.

“I’m sorry you’re sad.” Harry says, from this angle Nick can see right up his nose. He closes his eyes.

“Hmmmm.” Harry has started stroking his hair, slow and gentle.

“I saw the Sweat the Small Stuff Christmas Special, it was good. You were funny.”

Nick turns his head to look up at Harry and bats his eyelashes.

“Tell me more nice things about me.”

Harry laughs. Nick doesn’t, but he feels lighter. Happier.

*

Nick returns for London in the first week of January for the BBC music awards. Nick knows it meant to be One Directions big come back, they’re performing their new single from their new album. It’s a song that Nick’s heard Louis sing countless times, and promised Louis he would play prime time on the show every morning.

It’s also the first time Nick will see Louis.

Nick is terrified.

*

Nick does that radio in the morning, then heads to Earls Court - this year he’s involved with interviewing some of the volunteers and staff who have helped make the event possible, his interviews will be pre-recorded and then played tonight before the show and over the next week on the radio. It means that he has two hours after he’s finished to nip home, get ready and then head back for the event.

It also means he definitely won’t have to interview One Direction; thankfully Greg James gets that honour this year.  

He rushes home, giving himself an internal pep talk in the back of the taxi and mentally planning.

Potentially tonight could go two ways – ideally Nick would like Louis to run into his arms, kiss him in front of everyone and forgive him for being a dickhead. Nick doesn’t want to think about the other option.

Once he’s home he showers, and waits for his hairdresser/makeup artist to arrive. Normally for events he likes a quiff have a good 5cm to ensure it will balance out the size of his head in pictures.

He has a glass of wine while he waits, skipping round the flat, tripping over Pig and attempting to tidy.

Collette arrives to collect Pig and frowns at his bizarre behaviour, and when Kevin arrives to do his hair it’s a struggle to sit still. He just feels like he has so much energy. Normally he prides himself on being cool around celebrities, and yet he’s always struggled to speak around Louis.

Initially Louis used to keep him quiet with a look, but recently he’d been shutting Nick up with kisses. It wasn’t exactly discouraging Nick’s verbal vomit. But he really wants to make a good impression on Louis tonight, ideally charming him into Nick’s bed. Once he’s ready  (snazzy suit and shirt from Topman and YSL boots, he doesn’t care what people say, Harry copied him, not the other way round) he kisses Pig and Collette’s forehead before running out to the taxi.

Once he gets through security he grabs another drink from the bar before texting Harry. His game plan is hopefully running into each other in the corridor, rather than invading One Direction’s dressing room and having to face Louis and Zayn. Therefore he needs to identify where the dressing room is so he can avoid it.

He latches on to Annie Mac and tags along with her to find their seats, feeling more safe knowing that she will protect him and not judge him if he says something crazy. He has no idea what he’s chatting to her about, mind too filled with looking around just in case he see’s Louis. Harry replies to his text, letting him know that One Direction are performing last, but they’re  currently taking some photos for the website, and that he’s up for going out tonight if Nick is.

Nick doesn’t see Louis before One Direction perform, but he can’t avoid him when their on stage. Nick hasn’t been able to sit still during the whole show, can’t stop tapping his feet and then just giving up and dancing with Annie. He feels electric, and when One Direction come on stage he’s not prepared. It feels so so good to have an excuse to look at Louis (rather than secretly checking twitter and tumblr), and he looks so good. Nick feels sick and happy at the same time, because Louis looks so happy, so fit, without Nick. And Nick has barely been holding himself together since Louis decided he didn’t want him anymore.

Nick goes out with Harry after and drinks too much and tries to stop thinking. His head hurts from wanting Louis and too many tequila shots. When Harry drops him home he forces Pig to cuddle him and then stands at his sink and downs three glasses of water.

His doorbell rings when he’s slurping his fourth glass, and Louis Tomlinson is standing there, Nick is wiping his mouth and holding on to the wall in case he falls over, and Louis has come to see him.  

“Hi.”

“Hi,” Nick replies. He thinks he might be stunned, is blinking stupidly in an attempt to make sure Louis is actually standing there, that he hasn’t passed out already. He’s still not 100% sure he isn’t unconscious, but he decides if he is awake he’d rather not be photographed gaping at Louis on his doorstep. “Would you like to come in?”

“Yes please.”

Nick shuts the door behind Louis, taking a second to let the cold night air attempt to wake him up, and when he walks back into his flat Louis is sitting with Nick on the sofa.

“I thought I would see you tonight. I was all prepared. And then I didn’t. And I realised I wanted to.” Louis takes a deep breath. “What you did was wrong. You should have spoken to me. You should have asked me about it. My sexuality isn’t anyone else’s business.”

Louis is taking small breaths, his hands are shaking and he fists them into the sofa throw.

“I know. I’m so sorry.”

“You have no idea what it’s like, people thinking they know you, people you’ve never met, and then YOU doing that.”

Nick had expected Louis to be angry, knew he deserved it, but now he’s finally seeing Louis he’s realised how much he hurt him. He betrayed his trust.

“Louis I am so so sorry. I just wanted to know what we were doing.”

“You should have asked me.”

“I was scared alright? You scare me. It’s a lot. We’re a lot. I didn’t realise how serious it had got. I didn’t realise I’d fallen in love with you.”

Nick feels like he might cry, Louis can’t even look at him.

Nick looks out of his glass doors and tries to get control of himself, he already knows how this is going to end and he wants to save some dignity for it, to have some control over himself. Its dark outside now and he can hear Pig making noises from his bedroom, she’s sleeping in his bed even though technically she’s not allowed, snuffling in her doggy dreams. His new cushions look nice on the sofa, and he’s got a small space on his wall where the new artwork he’s expecting next week will hang. He’s been thinking about moving but it’s hard to leave the flat when he’s so settled here, and too busy to redecorate somewhere new.

“How do you know?”

It’s not what Nick was expecting him to say, and now that Nick is looking at Louis he had expected to see cold disinterest or hatred. But instead he looks fond, and hopefully (Nick wants to pinch himself to make sure) forgiving.

“I don’t know if I love you back, but I knew I wanted to see you tonight. I knew I wanted to talk to you about how your Christmas was, had looked up how far you were from me in case we decided to see each other over. I knew that I wanted you to be watching me perform tonight, wanted to know what you thought, more than anyone else. I know that I’m scared of going on tour, because it means I’ll be in a different time zone from you, you won’t be near in case I need you to help me have a bath or do my food shopping for me.”

“Think you can pay people to help you do that, Lou.”

“What if I want you to do it?” Louis asks.

“Well then I can come and do it.”

“Would you, though?” Louis’s voice is soft, he sounds vulnerable and open. Nick feels a little scared.

“Yeah, if you asked me, I would.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Louis grins. “I’ll think about it.

*

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat to me [ on tumblr. ](http://hiyadreamy.tumblr.com/)


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